Half-smokes are old news. The official D.C. dog is definitely of the hot variety.

Or so say fans of Nashville, Tenn. band Diarrhea Planet. The thrash-pop six-piece is as well known for insane guitar licks as they first were for their insane name. And it’s no wonder, too—having four lead guitar players will, you know, do that. The Diarrhea dudes, who live by a “shred ’til you’re dead” mentality, have gone from everyone’s favorite absurd college-house band to a critically acclaimed group of musicians. Don’t let the name and shredding fool you—though they certainly worship the metal gods, these guys write pop hooks. Their songs are catchy, unpredictable, and make-you-feel-fourteen-again fun.

Photo by Wrenne Evans

Which is why it makes perfect sense that their best friend—and musical collaborator— is a hot dog. The minor local celebrity known warmly as The D.C. Dog is there every time the band plays D.C. Someone even came up to us while we were chatting at DC9 who recognized him. This individual wore a Diarrhea Planet shirt and couldn’t help himself but come over and say hello to The Dog. It was like we were at a hotel bar in New York and I was interviewing James Murphy for Rolling Stone. Except The Dog is a million times cooler. And he’s not that big of a fan of the LCD Soundsystem frontman anyway.

Our music editor is a total weenie.

The D.C. Dog will certainly be at their April 8th show at the Black Cat. I sat down with him to find out what life is like out there for a wiener with big buns and a questionable affinity for condiments.

This interview has been edited for length, clarity, and, uh, crudeness.

DCist: What’s your favorite book?

D.C. Dog: I don’t read.

DCist: But you can read, right?

DCD: I don’t read.

DCist: What do you like to eat?

DCD: I’m a vegetarian. I love brussel sprouts.

DCist: Aziz Ansari has a great bit in his new standup special about the meat industry. Have you heard it?

DCD: Aziz Ansari can [eat a wiener], in my opinion.

DCist: Do you want to qualify that?

DCD: He just has too many opinions.

Did you grow up in a family of hot dogs?

DCD: I was born and raised in Toledo, Ohio. Homeschooled, actually. By my Aunt Nancy. Moved to Nashville when I was 18. My family is in a lot of places. You know, not in one place. I have a lot in New York, but also Quebec. And also France. I have five siblings and it’s the absolute best thing that’s ever happened to me. But they don’t follow the hot dog religion. My parents are against it, actually. They’re more of hamburger people.

DCist: When did you adopt the hot dog lifestyle?

DCD: Three years ago, when I moved to D.C. I had no purpose before the hot dog.

DCist: What are some facets of the lifestyle?

DCD: It’s a lot like Catholicism, actually. A lot of rules. No condiments, that’s for sure. In hot dog eating contests, you know, they dunk the dogs in water. Hot dog eating contests can [eat a wiener], in my opinion.

DCist: Well, I see that you’re wearing a mustard stripe right now. How do you explain that?

DCD: Oh, that’s not a condiment. It’s a scarf. I like accessories.

DCist: Did you go to college?

DCD: No. My high school diploma is questionable in some states, you know. I don’t read.

DCist: So what are you doing here? You moved here from Nashville?

DCD: Yeah. I have a government job. I can’t disclose it. But it’s really cool. You’d be like, “Oh my god. Wow”.

(A bearded man wearing Diarrhea Planet shirt saunters up to our table)

Bearded man: Hey man, sorry to interrupt, but I just had to say, I’m a fan of yours.

DCD: Oh wow, thanks.

BM: [points at his shirt] I even have the shirt! Yeah, I’ve seen every Diarrhea Planet show in D.C. And you’re always there! Bangin’ along! It’s awesome, man. I gotta ask, though—what’s with the costume?

DCD: What costume?

BM: The hot dog! I mean, you’re wearing it now. Oh, is that not a… oh, sorry. Anyway, yeah, can’t wait to see them again in a few weeks. Saw them the last time they were here, at Rock & Roll Hotel. They can drink, man. No, you know who can drink? The So So Glos. Man, those guys get fucked up. Anyway, cool, see you at the show.

(Man leaves)

DCist: Was that a joke? Did you plan that?

DCD: No, that happens all the time.

DCist: Any hobbies?

DCD: Soldering. Man, I love to solder. Wiring, copper pipes. I like a good flux. I love emo music. Weezer, Blink 182.

DCist: Did you like You Blew It!’s Weezer cover album?

DCD: Don’t fuck with Weezer. You Blew It! can [eat a wiener], in my opinion.

DCist: Where do you see yourself in five years?

DCD: I will be on Mars. I’ll leave it at that. It’s not that I can’t tell you, but I won’t tell you.

DCist: Oh, because of your government job?

DCD: Right. D.C. has a lot of dicks, you know. Nashville is a lot of nice, music-oriented people. A lot of people here talk the government talk but don’t walk the government walk. But, they’re more hot dog-friendly here. And they fucking love Diarrhea Planet.

DCist: So what’s your relationship like with Diarrhea Planet? You’re like a band-aid?

DCD: Those guys are my best friends, man. We met in Nashville. But I live here now, so they stay at my house when they come here. And I play with them when they’re here. I get 90 percent of their door sales.

DCist: That seems a little unfair.

Look, anyone can keep a tempo on a tambourine. But it’s hard to have flair and style. That’s what I bring to the table. Decades of practice. Also, I make them put bananas on their rider. Did you know that when you sweat you lose 100 percent of your potassium?

DCist: I don’t think that’s true.

DCD: Look, you try playing tambourine with those guys. The tambourine has to cut through the noise. Ever tried playing tambourine with four lead guitars? That’s why I have to eat bananas while I play.

DCist: Well, when you put it that way it starts to make sense. Have you ever tried dating another hot dog?

DCD: Are there others?!

DCist: I don’t know, I figured you’d be aware of them, if so. What’s your game like when it comes to getting girls?

DCD: Yelling, usually. Not catcalling, but like, sitting on the corner and yelling, “Hey! Come over here!” Just trying to put myself out there, you know.

DCist: And how does that generally work for you?

DCD: It’s tough out there for a hot dog, man. People think my buns are too big. I don’t get a lot of swipe-rights, that’s for damn sure.

DCist: If this were a date, how would you say it went?

DCD: I’m not uninterested. A perm would be a good start.

Diarrhea Planet play the Black Cat on Wednesday, April 8th with Left & Right and Loud Boyz. You should go.