Last night, President Obama got to say almost everything that’s really on his mind during the White House Correspondents Dinner—with a little help from his anger translator, Luther, played by Keegan-Michael Key. When Obama said, “Protecting our democracy is more important than ever. For example, the Supreme Court ruled that the donor who gave Ted Cruz 6 million dollars was just exercising free speech,” Luther explained, “Yeah, that’s the kind of speech like this, ‘I just wasted six million dollars.'”
The event, held by the White House Correspondents Association to raise money for worthy causes, has turned into a freakshow of Beltway insiders, Hollywood stars and Donald Trump. But the jokes from Obama and this year’s host, Saturday Night Live‘s Cecily Strong, are pretty good! For instance, Obama got these zingers in:
– A few weeks ago, Dick Cheney says he thinks I’m the worst President of his lifetime. Which is interesting, because I think Dick Cheney is the worst President of my lifetime. It’s quite a coincidence.
– I am determined to make the most of every moment I have left. After the midterm elections, my advisors asked me, “Mr. President, do you have a bucket list?” And I said, “Well, I have something that rhymes with bucket list.’”
– I look so old, John Boehner has already invited Netanyahu to speak at my funeral.
– You know what, let me set the record straight. I tease Joe [Biden] sometimes, but he has been at my side for seven years now. I love that man. He’s not just a great Vice President, he is a great friend. We’ve gotten so close, in some places in Indiana, they won’t serve us pizza anymore.
– Just this week, Michele Bachmann actually predicted that I would bring about the biblical end of days. Now that’s a legacy! That’s big. I mean, Lincoln, Washington—they didn’t do that.
– I’ve got to stay focused on my job, because for many Americans, this is still a time of deep uncertainty. For example, I have one friend—just a few weeks ago, she was making millions of dollars a year. And she’s now living out of a van in Iowa.
He also referenced the Koch brothers and the Republican nominee derby:
It’s exciting. Marco Rubio, Rand Paul, Ted Cruz, Jeb Bush, Scott Walker. Who will finally get that red rose? The winner gets a billion-dollar war chest. The runner up gets to be the bachelor on the next season of “The Bachelor.”I mean, seriously, a billion dollars. From just two guys. Is it just me, or does that feel a little excessive? I mean, it’s almost insulting to the candidates. The Koch brothers think they need to spend a billion dollars to get folks to like one of these people. It’s got to hurt their feelings a little bit.
And, look, I know I’ve raised a lot of money too. But in all fairness, my middle name is “Hussein.” What’s their excuse?
Here’s a transcript, and video:
Strong, the first woman to host the dinner since Paula Poundstone in 1992, said at the opening of her remarks, “Feels right to have a woman follow President Obama, doesn’t it?” Here are some of her best lines:
– Since I’m only a comedian, I’m not going to tell you politicians how to do politics or whatever. That’s not my job. That’d be like you guys telling me what to do with my body. Can you even imagine? Crazy.
– [To Obama, on his greying hair] Your hair is so white now it can talk back to the police.
– Let’s give it up for the Secret Service. I don’t want to be too hard on those guys. You know, because they’re the only law enforcement agency that will get in trouble if a black man gets shot.
-Tonight’s event is being broadcast on C-Span, so to some of tonight’s viewers watching alone on C-Span, hello. But to most of tonight’s viewers at home alone tonight, meow.
– Fox News is losing some viewers, and may they rest in peace.
– Just because Aaron Schock resigned doesn’t mean there aren’t any more smoking hot congressman left. I mean, looking out tonight, I see so many 10s. Well, Washington 10s, so New York 4s. Indiana 30s.
– [After asking the media in the audience to raise their hand to take a pledge] I solemnly swear not to comment on Hillary Clinton’s appearance, because that is not journalism.
– [On Ted Cruz’s candidacy] It’s like the right wing thought, ‘What’s the exact opposite of a black president? How about a Canadian Latino who will never be president?’
– Even us at SNL got criticized this year for making fun of ISIS. I think that’s unfair. I mean, if anyone is guilty of taking ISIS too lightly, it’s him. [Gestures at Obama.]
– It’s an honor to be here at the Washington Hilton … is something a prostitute might say to a congressman… I bet when the president walked in tonight and saw the bell hops, he probably thought, “Finally, some decent security.”
This morning, the White House press pool report had the subject “Obama appreciates a hungover press corps,” explaining, “So much so that he’s got nothing public on the schedule today.”
