Photo by Julian Ortiz.

Well at least one person in Northern Virginia can laugh at themselves.

In response to a list created by Gothamist, in response to a list created by The Awl, in response to real news, Deadspin writer Albert Burneko gifts us an unranked list of Northern Virginians 46 worst fears. They involve:

Unwanted smells:

• “Raccoon invades ceiling, chews through electrical wire, gets electrocuted to death, rots inside walls.”
• “Kid stashes unwanted ham sandwich under child safety seat in minivan for three summer months.”

Interacting with other people:

• “Waved at by neighbors while driving past.”
• “Door knocked on by neighbor.”
• “Kid befriends child of the jittery, intense, scary mom who’s always wearing workout clothes.”
• “Long line at Potbelly; shorter line at the other Potbelly, the one you saw the neighbor at one time.”
• “Engaged in a friendly manner by anyone.”

Suburban wildlife:

• “Absently bring a blackberry almost all the way to your mouth before discovering it is a giant Japanese beetle.”
• “Small bird flies in through open door, instantaneously becomes most frightening thing on Earth.”
• “Aggro llama darkens trip to petting zoo.”
• “Reach into mailbox, find a spider.”
• “Stinkbug flies into mouth.”
• “Trapped inside home by hostile blue jays.”

And dark, but rather plausible, scenarios:

• “Restoration Hardware found to be front for Aryan Nation.”
• “Climb onto chair to record kid’s kindergarten graduation ceremony; chair collapses; spine powderized in fall.”
• “Permanently estranged from family by routine Orange/Silver Line maintenance.”

See Burneko’s full list for the horrors associated with Wegmans, minivans, and clementines. As for Washingtonians, I assume we can all agree our worst fear is being trapped on a Metro hot car for hours before being let off, dizzy and disoriented, in Clarendon?

Alternatively:

• Being forced to stand in line at Georgetown Cupcake.
• Having to go outside in August.
• Dying in a stampede of cherry blossom tourists.
• Driving after a snowstorm.
• Getting a bike wheel stuck in the streetcar’s tracks.
• Being invited to your friend’s beginner improv class performance.
• Having out-of-town friends who are like, “Take me to the places where locals really go. I hear good things about Ben’s Chili Bowl.”
• Walking halfway up a broken escalator and realizing you might not be able to make it the other half of the way.

Oh crap, now I’ve somehow started our own list. And the circle of Internet life continues.