Any longtime city resident has an instinct about whether they may need an extra bathroom break between home and wherever they might be. It is essential to gauge time correctly during intra-city travel, both for one’s sanity and bladder, yet there are circumstances where we might need a bathroom break, like, right fucking now. Luckily D.C. offers plenty of bathrooms for just such circumstances, and not just in the places you might expect. Whether your dinner does not sit well or you need a pit stop after a long day outdoors, here are some of the city’s best public restrooms. —Alan Zilberman
Photo by Mr.TinDC.
UNION STATION: These public bathrooms are not just for antsy Amtrak riders and the hordes of high school groups who invade the food court every spring break. Located on the bottom floor across from The BoJangles, Union Station’s public bathrooms are imperfect, yet cleaner than we might expect. In the men’s room, anyway, one must walk past the stalls to get to the urinals, which has the potential to be awkward for someone who’s desperate to pee. As an added bonus, the bathroom features Dyson Hand Driers, which means it is possible to have a bathroom trip without touching anything (except your junk).
Union Station is located at 20 Massachusetts Ave NE.
THE NATIONAL PORTRAIT GALLERY: Maybe this makes me a bad D.C. resident, but when I visit a Smithsonian museums nowadays it’s mostly to use their public restrooms. It’s incredibly easy to pop in and out, save for the awkwardness of the security staff who know exactly what you’re doing, and the Portrait Gallery deserves top marks for its convenience. Located right in the middle of Chinatown and with minimal tourist traffic, this is a perfect stop for downtown commuters who experience a minor personal emergency (sadly, the Stephen Colbert portrait is no longer on display nearby).
The National Portrait Gallery is located at 8th St NW & F St NW.
THE NATURAL HISTORY MUSEUM: Look, any survey of D.C. public bathrooms must include the some of the facilities on the Mall, since they’re used all the time by locals and tourists alike. In terms of bathrooms, The Natural History Museum is not exactly ideal: there are lines to get in the museum, for one thing, and one must fight through the lobby to reach them. Still, the number of stalls and urinals rivals what we might find at a ballpark, and the water fountains are refreshing. Still, for general ease and general crowd avoidance, a better option might be E Street Cinema, since those bathrooms are public for all intents and purposes (no ticket is required to reach them).
The Natural History Museum is located at 10th St & Constitution Ave NW.
MALCOLM X/MERIDIAN HILL PARK: You’re probably thinking that the restrooms in a public park are too gross and creepy for everyday use. Well, in this particular case, you’re dead wrong. The public restrooms are in the northeast corner of the park, near the intersections of 15th and Euclid Streets NW. The facilities offer several family restrooms, including a baby changing station, which have stylish checker tiles and plenty of privacy. Since they’re locked with a gate nightly, they have minimal graffiti and it is easier for park staff to maintain them. These facilities are a downright pleasant surprise for those of us who discreetly drink too much wine while we’re getting strong vibes from the Sunday drum circle or whatever.
The park is located at 2400 15th St NW.
THE NATIONAL MUSEUM OF THE AMERICAN INDIAN: While this museum is not too popular among tourists, locals are fans of its unusual architecture and outstanding food court. Forget Air and Space and the locked port-a-potties outside its main entrance: I’d also argue that the public bathrooms at the American Indian museum are the best in the city: they’re convenient to the entrance—for an even faster visit, walk through the group entrance on the Independence Ave side—and they have the perfect mix of cleanliness and ease of use. These bathrooms also have Dyson Air Blades, and since the museum is equidistant between downtown and Capitol Hill, a stop at these bathrooms is perfect for bikers who tour the city’s multiple quadrants.
The National Museum of the American Indian is located at 4th Street & Independence Avenue SW.
SENATE AND HOUSE OFFICE BUILDINGS: Listen. If Congress isn’t going to do anything positive for D.C., the least we can do is take advantage of their restrooms when the need arises. Sure visitors have to wait in a security line to get in, but once inside, there are an abundance of well-maintained bathrooms with plenty of marble to go around. — Rachel Sadon
KENNEDY CENTER: If you’re stuck in the Georgetown morass, head down toward the water for a quick fix at the city’s most prestigious performing arts center. No tickets are needed to access the facilities. After you’ve availed yourself of the loo, you can test your flag knowledge in the Hall of Nations or head up to the roof and enjoy sweeping views of the Potomac—neither requires anything for special access. If you’re feeling really guilty for some reason (don’t), you can stick around for the daily, free Millennium Stage performance at 6 p.m.— Rachel Sadon
The John F. Kennedy Center for the Performing Arts is located at 2700 F Street NW
METRO: For the truly desperate, there are, in fact, public restrooms in nearly all Metro stations. The catch is that you have to get a station manager to let you in. That isn’t always so easy—it runs the risk of this happening—and you never quite know what condition you’ll find it in once you get there, as this Washington Post reporter discovered (supposedly this is less of a problem at the new Silver Line stations, though I have not tested that). Still, they are there for you, in theory.— Rachel Sadon
We wish you the best of luck with this.
For private bathroom reviews, check out the annals of DCist’s Dear John column.
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P.S. Commenters have also recommended the MLK Memorial (“small lines too”), the United States Botanic Garden (“no security and very clean”), and the Library of Congress (“PHENOMENAL. 10/10 would shit again”).
