Via Cards Against Humanity

We live in uncertain times. Donald Trump might actually, somehow, terrifyingly become president of the United States of America.

One company (kind of) has our collective back. The people behind Cards Against Humanity, the hugely popular “party game for horrible people”, announced yesterday what may be their greatest offer/expansion pack ever: the Donald Trump Bug-Out Bag. They promptly sold out of the $25 bags, writing:

Here’s what the lucky few who hustled to sign up will get:

• Emergency food rations, “for when supplies are low”
• A flint and steel, “to help you start a fire to warm your cold, terrified family”
• A durable black duffel bag, “suitable for travel in a radioactive wasteland”
• Water purification tablets, “for when America’s supply of potable water is depleted”
• A hand crank radio, “to scan the airwaves for other survivors”
• A gas mask, “to protect you from the red dust while you scavenge for scrap metal”
• A can of beans, “to eat around the fire on a special occasion”
• A harmonica, “to entertain your fellow wastelanders with songs of the old days”
• A space blanket, “to keep you warm when building a fire is too risky”
• A compass, “to help you head south towards whatever meager civilization still remains”
• A laminated card, “with handy Spanish phrases such as, ‘I am a refugee.'”
• Currency, “from Mexico, Guatemala, Nicaragua, and Columbia”
• An application, “to become a permanent resident of Mexico”
• Seed packets, “to help you recreate civilization by cultivating plants”
• A copy of Plato’s Republic, “so that you can contemplate the ultimate folly of democracy”
• A small golden locket, “with a photograph of former President Barack Obama”
• And, lastly, The Cards Against Humanity Trump Pack, “with 25 cards about America’s 45th, and last President, Donald Trump”

Given that the bag is already sold out (*sad trombone*) you’ll have to rely on your own wiles to figure out the best course of future action for yourself and your loved ones. If you see someone with a black duffel bag poking around the ruins of the Capital complex though, at least you’ll have a good sense of what’s in the bag before you try to clonk them over the head with a fragment of marble to steal their meager possessions.