Photo by Rebecca Schley.

The American Conservative has published a story that argues D.C. brunch is “the finale of the quasi-religious weekend trifecta: bar crawl, Tinder hook-up, hungover brunch and hair-of-the-dog Bloody Marys with well vodka … Brunch has replaced Sunday worship. The bottomless mimosa is the blood of Christ.”

The author, Addison Del Mastro, wrote on Twitter the piece is a “(slightly tongue-in-cheek) takedown of DC conformity and brunch culture.” For what it’s worth, Del Mastro doesn’t like a lot about the region, having recently written a piece about how his dad thinks Kim Jong-Un should drop a nuclear bomb on Tysons Corner.

He’s right about one thing, though: brunch attendees are indeed sheep, in that they are all part of the flock that follows the Good Shepherd. As Jesus once said of the D.C. scene, “I know My sheep and My sheep know Me.”

Here is this Sunday’s sermon:

Let us begin with the book of Psalms, which tells us “In the morning, Lord, you hear my voice; in the morning I lay my requests before you and wait expectantly.” Just as you speak to the Lord our God, I beseech you to give your waiter your order if you have not done so as we sup together …

Oh Lord, we praise you for the dim light gleaming from these Edison bulbs, the zigs and zags of the filament telling us how the path to righteousness is not a straight line but that God’s glow will forever show us the way …

On this morning of all mornings, we give thanks to you, Oh Lord, for providing us gluten-free options, so that even the auto-immune challenged among us can enjoy the wondrous balance that carbs bring to a meal and know that your mercy knows no bounds …

We shall dip the body of Christ into our eggs, forever freeing the yolks from the purgatory of the membrane, just as God freed the Israelites from the yokes of bondage in Egypt …

May your love for the Lord our savior be as bottomless as the mimosas upon which you sip, may the sweetness remind you of the kindness He showed to friend and enemy alike, and may the tingle of the champagne fizz keep you in everlasting awe of God’s wonders …

We give thanks to prestige television, the foundation upon which we build all of our brunch conversations, for it is the showrunners who are truly made in God’s image and likeness as they build worlds for all seven days of our viewing pleasure …

Now I want everyone in the congregation to take out your cell phones—that’s right, take them out! That number you got from a Tinder hook-up last night? I want you to delete it, right now, as a reminder that God forever wipes the slate clean, just as you should do with all of your electronic communications …

And to those diners looking to itemize their checks when the difference amounts to no more than a dollar or two, I remind you of Ezekial 25:17—”Blessed is he, who in the name of charity and good will, shepherds the weak through the valley of darkness, for he is truly his brother’s keeper and the finder of lost children” …

Before we leave today, we must all make a solemn vow, a covenant with the Lord that we will never have children and will forever remain in our middling jobs, glorifying the “utterly unattached individual” as we do the Father, the Son, and the Holy Spirit …

Amen.