(Photo by Mr.TinDC)

The Rachels were antsy to get back to publishing for months, and you know what they say about idle hands and the devil. So we kept a list of headlines that we might have written had we been up and running at the time. Here’s all the stories we wished we could have brought you.

• Wow, Mayor Bowser Really Likes Shrimp!
• Scott Pruitt’s Rental Cost Less Than A Room In These Grungy Group Houses, An Investigation
• When One WeWork Per Block Just Isn’t Enough!
• As The First Toys R Us, Madam’s Organ Was Once Fit To Sell Kids Games
• The Top Politicians With Colors For Last Names Who Should Run For Mayor, Ranked
• Kinda Weird That You Can Wear A Tank Top Outside In D.C. In February But Probably Nothing To Worry About!
• Sebastian Gorka Is Even Worse At Parking His Car Than Eleanor Holmes Norton Is
• Rest In Pee: Everyone’s Favorite Piss Play Porcupine Has Died
• Stay Woke: Metro’s Foggy Bottom Spandex Are A Butt Joke
• Maryland YouTuber Known For His Love Of Living Snakes Had Some Dead Snakes In His Fridge
• Mixed News For Bowser: The New DCPS Scandal Is Making Everyone Forget About The Old DCPS Scandal, Though It Does Bring To Mind Last Summer’s DCPS Scandal
• Tristan Thompson Caught Cheating on Khloe Kardashian At Arlington Club With ‘Darn’ Right There In The Darn Name
• Put Aside The Alleged Anti-Semitism For A Second, Can We Talk About How Councilmember Trayon White Thinks One Family Can Control The Weather?
• Over Wawa? Too Bad, There’s More Coming Soon
• Did We Miss The Clamor For Dockless Scooters?
• Turns Out Pandas In The Wild Bone …. Hard
• Seth Rich’s Family Sues Fox News, While Local Fox 5’s Debunked Story Is STILL Online
• Orange You Glad Vincent Orange Wore This Spectacular Blazer?
• The Hill Cancels Its 50 Most Beautiful People On The Hill List After Learning That True Beauty Lies Within
• To Avoid High Schoolers From Becoming Maureen Dowd, D.C. Principal Bans Baked Goods For Week Of 4/20
• Shall We Applaud This Charming Six-Year-Old Girl For Finally Getting A Playoff Puck Or Drag The Dickish Dad Who Tried To Thwart Her? Probably Both
• A Govster’s Perspective: D.C. Is Too Cool And So Am I!
• Exclusive Look At The Dating Profiles Of All D.C.’s Newest Robots
• Hold Onto Your Boat Shoes: Potentially Rabid Raccoon On Biting Spree In Georgetown
• All That Silver Line Is Not Gold: Metro Orders Independent Assessment After Issues With Concrete
• D.C. Becomes First Jurisdiction With Legal Definition For Street Harassment, Which Is Kinda Embarrassing For Everyone Else
• ‘If We Can’t Be Rich, Might As Well Have Rich Soil’ … And Other Semi-Plausible Reasons For Compost Thievery
• They Say ‘Caps Year’ Every Year, But This Year It Might Actually Be True?