Photo by Keith Allison

When the Philadelphia Flyers introduced a wide-eyed, carrot-colored mascot named Gritty recently, the initial response to the 7-foot hairy beast ranged from befuddlement to repulsion. Fans “loved him from day two,” as one explained to the Philadelphia Inquirer.

It didn’t take long for antifascist Philadelphians to appropriate the manic muppet, much to the chagrin of The Wall Street Journal’s opinion section. “Keep your Marxist hands off Gritty,” one commentary piece said. “He belongs to Philly.” The whole thing has just been a delight.

But the meme-ing of Gritty is just another bitter reminder that Washington’s mascot scene is sorely lacking, at a time when the sports scene is otherwise buzzing.

Let’s do a quick mascot run-down, shall we?

Our football team’s name is a dictionary-defined racial slur, so there’s that.

We’ve also got a huge overrepresentation of eagles.

There’s Slapshot, the Washington Capitals mascot since 1995, who apparently loves the U.S. National Anthem and bird watching. While the Caps put down Slapshot’s weight as “Light as a feather,” at least this eagle mascot is swole.

For comparison, look at Screech. The Nationals mascot hatched into existence at RFK Stadium in front of a roaring crowd in April 2005, but boy oh boy is he a scraggly one. He far more closely resembles a chicken.

Talon, the eagle of D.C. United, is similarly confused with other birds. This skeptical-looking kid recently thought he was a penguin.

At least the Mystics switch up their species of animal. D.C.’s WNBA team has Pax the Panda, who looks like … well, a panda. She’s fine, if a bit dull. (You like bamboo, Pax? Wow. Your favorite colors are red, white, and blue? Shocking.) There’s just none of the unpredictability that a chaotic neutral like Gritty brings to the proceedings.

Also in the annal of dull mascots are Topspin and Slice, the “two friendliest tennis balls you will ever meet,” who represent the Washington Kastles.

This all brings us to G-Wiz. Yes, D.C. has a mascot called G-Wiz. The Wizards refer to him as the “trickiest mascot in the NBA.”

What is he? Certainly not an eagle, that’s for sure. Perhaps the best way to describe him is if a wizard Pygmalion turned a royal blue Swiffer duster into a fellow practitioner of dark magic.

That mystery allows people to project their thoughts about capitalism, or whatever else, onto his crooked-looking self. He’s got one flaccid wizard hat atop his furry emerald head, and another for a nose. Who needs googly-eyed abandon when you’ve got that?

Plus, he brings out the goofiness in Wizards players. See this photo with Dwight Howard, in which G-Wiz plays the straight man and lets the center shine.

G-Wiz is well rounded, too. His hobbies include running and dunking, but this is a mascot who also loves magic (duh) and reading. Swoon.

We reached out to Monumental Sports to learn more about the most underrated mascot around, but a Vice President of Game Operations, which oversees G-Wiz, had his first day on Wednesday, according to a spokesperson.

The team’s informational page for G-Wiz says he is “Center of Attention.” It’s time for Washingtonians to start heeding his cry.

This post has been updated with further clarity about who oversees G-Wiz.

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