Ah, Nextdoor. The hyperlocal social network that highlights neighbors’ free goods, petty grievances, simmering bigotries, and, in a recent post from Northern Virginia, a penchant for waterboarding with the tears of an unhappy two year old.

The Twitter account Best of Nextdoor (which is not affiliated with the actual Nextdoor) posted this clip from a man named Michael in Mount Vernon Union Farm:

Meanwhile in Alexandria, VA… pic.twitter.com/flQXrwIduN

— Best of Nextdoor 🏡 (@bestofnextdoor) November 12, 2018

Despite Michael characterizing the fireworks as random, a reader points out that last Wednesday was Diwali, the Hindu festival of lights. One of the holiday’s traditions is setting off fireworks.

Shortly after the Best of Nextdoor post went up, the Alexandria Police Department entered the conversation, entreating the poster to talk to law enforcement rather than waterboard his neighbor with the help of a disapproving Madea gif.

Sigh. APD would prefer NO waterboarding. Just call us to come have a chat with the wayward Wednesday fireworks folks… pic.twitter.com/TVfemjcG0S

— Alexandria Police (@AlexandriaVAPD) November 12, 2018

Two minutes later, Alexandria Police realized that, despite what Best of Nextdoor had written, Mount Vernon Union Farm was actually not in their jurisdiction. Still, they remained steadfastly opposed to waterboarding a neighbor. Brave!

Hold up! That's actually in Fairfax County, so…
Just kidding. Even if it isn't our jurisdiction, we want you to call your local PD instead of taking matters into your own hands. pic.twitter.com/QpWs8X5Wh6

— Alexandria Police (@AlexandriaVAPD) November 12, 2018

If you are Michael, or Michael’s neighbor, please get in touch.

This post has been updated to reflect that Wednesday was Diwali.