Welcome back to Overheard in D.C., DCist’s weekly column of funny, strange, and poignant things that our readers and staff overhear and send in. We’ve been doing it since 2006. Check out the archives here.

We can’t have Overheard in D.C. without your submissions! Email your Overheards to overheard(at)dcist[dot]com and don’t forget to include who was talking, to whom, and in what context. 

You might notice we have fewer overheards than normal. We’re taking that as a sign that folks are staying home and socially distant — good job! But as a result, we are now taking submissions for eavesdropping on video conferencing calls and all of the other newfangled ways we’re staying in touch.

Overheard of the Week: 

A 20-something guy is on the phone while riding the escalator up to the Target in Columbia Heights: 

“You got mushrooms? I’m so excited…Yeah, I think I’m going to text my uncle, he’s like my plug now.”

—

Seriously, grow up 

Two guys in their (very) early 20s are looking at the vodka selection at a corner liquor store:

Guy 1: “I don’t know man, I feel like we’re too old for Absolut.”

—

They say good things take time 

A young woman is talking on the phone, walking down Georgia Ave:

“I’m not pooping there yet. I’m not set up.”

—

This is squirrel slander

A mom calls out to warn her kids as they chase a squirrel in the yard in an Arlington neighborhood: 

“Those squirrels will attack you back! These are city squirrels not country squirrels!”

—

Doesn’t cheese get better with age though 

Overheard at the Trader Joe’s on New York Avenue: 

“Are you sure you want to buy that cheese board? The only one of our friends who still eats cheese like we were in our 20s is Kristen. I don’t know what’s going on with that.”

—

Fair enough

A group of tweens are standing masked and socially distanced at an Alexandria farmers market: 

Girl No. 1: “Have you ever been to an open casket funeral?”
Girl No. 2: “Of course I have, I’m Catholic.”
Girl No. 1: “I don’t want an open casket funeral.”
Boy: “Noted.”
Girl No. 1: “I don’t want anyone to see me dead. That’s so embarrassing.”

—

Dec. 21, 2018: It’s taking over the world

A mid-to-late-20s woman is on the phone at Au Bon Pain in Dupont:

“Yeah, I’m from Baltimore, I can’t just start saying ‘rubbish.’”
(Pauses while the person on the other line talks.)
“I don’t know, I guess she started watching the Great British Baking Show or something!”

—

Nov. 22, 2018: Exercise people really live in a different world 

At the Orange Theory in the West End., a man and woman are looking up at the monitor displaying, in bar graph form, each individual’s performance statistics from class:

Woman: “That’s a sexy, sexy pyramid!”