It’s difficult for me to remember a world before hard seltzer. But it was only four years ago — during my freshman year of college — that White Claws started showing up on the kitchen counter of every house party I attended. The hard seltzer craze took off in 2018, and sales went through the roof over the next two years. That immense rate of growth appears to have tapered off, but it’s left us with a dizzying array of fizzy alcohol brands.

My preferred beverage is usually beer, but in the right setting — floating down the Potomac on an inner tube, or sitting in a friend’s backyard on a scorching summer night — there’s nothing I crave more than a black cherry seltzer. Overwhelmed by the hard seltzer selection at the liquor store, I’ve defaulted to almost exclusively getting my fix from White Claw, which I’ve found perfectly delicious and dependable for years. 

Then I got a press invitation to attend Seltzerland at Park View’s Hook Hall on Saturday, May 21. The traveling hard seltzer festival promises to introduce attendees to over 100 hard seltzers. That number made my head spin. How could I possibly be confident in my seltzer drinking decisions when there were at least 90 that I hadn’t tried? Reader, there was only one path forward: I booked a trip to Seltzerland.

2:37 p.m.: The sidewalk outside of Hook Hall is abuzz with girls in sundresses and guys in patterned short sleeve button-ups. I check the weather: 91 degrees Fahrenheit. It’s one of the first truly sweltering days D.C. has had this year. (No pun intended.) My boyfriend shows up in a patterned short sleeve button-up. We get in line, and sigh with relief when we realize all seltzer-related activities are indoors.

2:42 p.m.: There are two ticket levels for Seltzerland. VIP gives you early admission, seltzer swag, and of course, extra alcohol. We’re attending the event as Very Important Seltzer Drinkers, so as we enter, we’re handed a White Claw drawstring bag, a mini Seltzerland metal cup, and a card that lists every booth at the event. If we visit them all, we’ll be eligible to enter a raffle for VIP tickets to next year’s Seltzerland. Game on.

2:43 p.m.: The inside of Hook Hall is a high-ceiling, warehouse type of place. We survey the room, which is lined by booths along its perimeter. It reminds me of picking up my bib number at the Rock ‘n’ Roll Half Marathon expo at the D.C. Armory last fall before my race. Ah, the duality of woman.

2:45 p.m.: I am shocked to find that Mike’s Hard Lemonade has pivoted into the hard seltzer game. We wander over to their booth and receive a pour of mango seltzer. Its artificial sweetness makes me grimace. Mike’s is staying true to their roots, I see.

2:51 p.m.: At the White Claw booth, I’m surprised to find two styles of Claws I’ve never heard of: surf and surge. Surf flavors, the booth worker tells me, are inspired by Southern California. Surges just have more alcohol. I opt for the wildberry acai smash surf, a flavor whose name I cannot utter with a straight face. It’s pleasant. Then I sample a cranberry surge, which tastes like watered-down vodka. A horrible aftertaste lingers in my mouth.

2:55 p.m.: A booth hosted by Fireball and fruity shot purveyor 99 Brand catches my eye. I’m disappointed to find the liquor brands are not providing seltzers of their own. Instead, we can mix-and-match a shot with a Deep Bay seltzer. After making my selections, I am gently advised to not mix a banana shooter with a grapefruit seltzer. I do it anyway. It’s surprisingly delicious.

2:57 p.m.: Halfway through my banana-grapefruit experiment, I am no longer sober. I decide to take a breather and talk to some strangers.

3:01 p.m.: We meet Sarah Sim and her boyfriend Ryan, both 23. Sim found out about Seltzerland from TikTok, where she saw someone attending the event in another city. (It travels everywhere from Austin to Milwaukee, with its next stop in Philadelphia.) So far, they say, Seltzerland is living up to expectations — mainly due to very generous pours.

3:08 p.m. We hydrate with Liquid Death, which has a very intimidating name and exterior — a 16 ounce black and gold can with gothic font — and a very innocent interior of sparkling water. I feel grateful for this hydration, and for air conditioning.

3:13 p.m.: A large, blank wall has a massive projection on it, and I realize it’s just playing TBS. This makes not a shred of sense to me. I stand, dumfounded, and watch throngs of people drink hard seltzer below The Rock and Naomie Harris sparring against a massive gorilla in 2018’s Rampage.

3:18 p.m.: I’m fiending to win that raffle, so it’s time to get drinking again. We move to sip on some BuzzBallz, a wine-based concoction that comes in ball-shaped cans. I request a sample of choco chiller. It tastes like pure, sweet chocolate milk, which is a dangerous game when it comes to a 15% ABV beverage. I find out it’s orange wine based, which blows my mind.

3:19 p.m.: It occurs to me that BuzzBallz isn’t really a seltzer. Their marketing manager schools me in the difference between hard seltzer — which has to, by definition, be malt-based like beer — and ready-to-drink beverages, or RTDs, which can be made with liquor or anything else. Lucky for us, Seltzerland welcomes RTDs with open arms.

3:20 p.m.: We get in our first line of the day for the Blue Moon booth. Seltzerland is getting quite crowded. I resolve to pick up rapid tests from the library tomorrow.

3:26 p.m.: Blue Moon doesn’t have seltzer either, just a new product: LightSky citrus wheat beer, which comes in a skinny can and is marketed as a low-calorie option. I do not care to count calories while day drinking, but I do think this refreshing light beer is the best thing I’ve had all day. I begin to wonder whether there are more non-seltzers than seltzers at Seltzerland.

3:32 p.m.: We meet Mick and David, who are in their early thirties. They also found out about Seltzerland on TikTok. I start feeling left out of hard seltzer TikTok.

3:47 p.m.: We ask two very drunk men eating Hippeas where they got the snack, and find ourselves on the sidewalk again, being offered entire sleeves filled with bags of the vegan chickpea puffs, which is an event sponsor. We politely decline, opting for a more appropriate portion of a bag each instead. I’m grateful for the generous offer, and slightly concerned at the limited food options at an event that offers unlimited alcohol.

3:49 p.m.: As we munch, we’re lightly chastised by a Seltzerland employee for not drinking. I comment on how crowded it is. He tells me it’s because a whole bunch of people who signed up for the morning session showed up for the afternoon one instead.

4:02 p.m.: We wander back inside and find ourselves at Happy Dad. They market themselves as anti-skinny-can, and instead put their seltzer in a can that you’d think was a beer upon first glance. I try the pineapple, which is not my cup of tea. The brand representative tells me they’re not selling in D.C. yet, which makes me think about local breweries like DC Brau and Aslin, whose seltzers are noticeably absent from the premises.

(After the fact, I asked Seltzerland about the lack of local brands and got this response from marketing coordinator Jessica Celentano: “Every event we try our best to have at least a few local vendors. However, it is a combination of them reaching out to us as well as our own research. Our team had not heard of DC Brau, but thank you for letting me know and if we return to DC we will be sure to keep them in mind.)

4:19 p.m.: I get roped into drinking Carbliss cranberry seltzer on a shotski with three strangers. My shot ends up on my shirt instead of in my mouth. I make a mental note to not be the shortest participant in a shotski again.

5:18 p.m.: Seltzerland ends at 5:30 p.m., so we’re racing against the clock. In the last hour, we’ve tried Crook & Marker spiked seltzer, Post Meridiem canned cocktails, Topo Chico ranch water, Loverboy spiked tea, Hard AF Seltzer, Vizzy seltzer, and Long Drink, a Finnish gin-based beverage. The grapefruit Long Drink is particularly delicious, and the strawberry shortcake Hard AF Seltzer is particularly offensive.

5:29 p.m.: I chat with Andrew Ball, co-founder of Austin-based Hard AF Seltzer, as he breaks down his booth, which includes a giant flag that says “stay hard.” He started Hard AF Seltzer to offer people seltzers with a higher ABV — they boast 8% — as well as more daring flavor profiles. Commendable, though I still find their strawberry shortcake egregious.

5:36 p.m.: Seltzerland employees are herding the masses out onto the sidewalk like sheep. An employee catches us slyly sipping multiple half-empty cans of seltzer off to the side. He tells us to “go back to college” and “slam.” We do as we’re told.

5:41 p.m.: Pleasantly drunk, we stumble out under the hot sun. I can’t believe my eyes when I look at my booth tracker card and find it entirely completed. With immense pride, we enter our cards into the raffle. It’s an accomplishment worth celebrating, so we head to Midlands. We are, of course, ordering beer.