Should Gustavo Petro ever tire of being president of the Republic of Colombia, there’s at least one local resident who would elect him to public office in the District of Columbia.

Petro was among the 24,368 write-in votes that were cast in D.C.’s Nov. 2022 general election, a wide-ranging mish-mash of scribbled names that ran the gamut from earnest political protest to, well, wouldn’t-it-be-hilarious-if suggestions that were bound to accomplish little. (Other than occupying this reporter’s time reviewing the 667 pages of write-in votes compiled by the D.C. Board of Elections, that is.) And yes, sometimes the write-in vote could be both.

We don’t know who “Tango Lopez (dog)” is, but at least one person thought they’d make a good Advisory Neighborhood Commissioner. (Of the animal variety, there were also: “Ozzy the Cat,” “The cheetah cubs at the zoo,” “Rocky the squirrel,” “Harambe,” and “Ghost of Capitol Hill Fox.”) Plenty of people would be happy to be led by Mickey Mouse, someone so much so that they offered up “Mickey Fucking Mouse.” (Lesser beloved characters included Minnie Mouse, Donald Duck, Goofy, Big Bird, Winnie the Pooh, Fred Flintstone, Elmo, and Porky Pig.)

Barack Obama and Donald Trump, ANC commissioners both? Someone thought to write them in. Other notable figures that got at least one vote included Elon Musk, Tucker Carlson (hey, he used to live in D.C., right?), Kim Kardashian for attorney general (she’s working her way towards that law degree), QAnon adherent Gen. Michael Flynn, Washington Capitals stars T.J. Oshie and Alex Ovechkin (neither live in D.C., but we’ll overlook that), WAMU 88.5 political analyst Tom Sherwood for D.C. delegate to Congress, and, a perennial favorite, Gritty. Jeff Bezos owns a house in D.C., so why not elect him to office?

For some, the write-in was a protest vote of sorts, especially considering that in D.C., most of the races for the city’s top offices are settled during the Democratic primary. Unhappy with the mayor? So was the voter who wrote in “Muriel sucks,” as was the one who opted for “Anyone but Muriel.” Displeased with the chairman of the council? The people who wrote in “Fuck Phil Mendelson,” “Anyone but Phil,” “No confidence,” and “Non competitive race” certainly were. In the attorney general’s race, where eventual victor Brian Schwalb faced no competition, there were votes for “Not Brian Schwalb,” “Schwalb sucks,” and “No good choice.”

Those protests were even more evident in the many write-in votes for candidates who lost their races in the Democratic primary. Erin Palmer may have lost to Mendelson in June’s primary, but plenty of voters still wrote her in on their November ballot. The same goes for unsuccessful mayoral challengers Robert White and Trayon White; attorney general contenders Bruce Spiva, Ryan Jones, and Kenyan McDuffie; and At-Large hopeful Lisa Gore. (These types of voters are committed, but also a minority: in the chairman’s race, for one, Mendelson got more than 160,000 votes, while the write-ins amounted to 3,224 votes.)

In some cases, the write-in vote was less about a person than a cause. To wit: “Bike Lanes,” “Protected Bike Lanes,” “More Housing + Buses,” “No one fought to open schools,” “No bike lanes on Connecticut Avenue,” “YIMBY,” “Vision Zero,” “Build the streetcars!,” and “Need better choices.” A small number of voters in the At-Large race, which traditionally attracts many candidates, went meta with their protest vote: “Rank Choice Plz” and “Ranked Choice Voting.” And given that public safety was a top issue during the 2022 election cycle, it factored into some write-in votes: “Anyone who opposes crime,” “Defund MPD,” “Law and Order,” “Anti-Crime,” “Less violence,” “Deal with crime,” and “Remove Violent Juveniles from D.C.” were offered up. Oh, and there was the voter who wrote in “Prossa Cute Krims” and “Urrah Rest Cremaunls” as their two choices in the At-Large race. (Read those slowly.) Oh, and of course: “Fire Snyder.”

In other cases, write-in votes were, well, something of a head-scratcher. If you write-in “Literally anyone else,” you’ve literally missed the opportunity to, you know, write in someone else. (Same with “Don’t Know.” Just write yourself in!) One voter, on the other hand, seemed to embrace anarchy with their “Maybe we try no mayor?” write-in vote. Someone else may have missed breakfast: “Warm oatmeal” is who they’d have lead the city. (Another voter deliciously opted for “Fondue,” and one vote went to “Parmesan Cheese.”) And we have no idea who CMONEYDGREATEST is, but they were written in for multiple offices. (Pretty great, huh?)

It’s obviously amusing to poke fun at write-in votes; given that someone actually wrote in “Help Us Lord,” can you blame us for being amused? But a not-insignificant number of ANC races had no declared candidates, leaving any hopefuls to energetically mount write-in campaigns. (Two of those, we should note, ended in ties!) And no telling if D.C. political history is complete without the story of Anthony Williams’ unexpected yet successful write-in campaign for mayor back in 2002.

For now, though, we can occupy our time thinking what it would be like to be led by Skynet, the fictional AI being set to destroy humanity in the “Terminator” franchise, jazz hands, a ham sandwich, or “Star Wars” robot R2-D2 — which one voter adorably wrote in as Artoo Detoo.