Kids, I just want to be clear on this point: performance enhancing drugs have no place in sports. Being that all’s fair in love and war, when faced with difficulties in either of those arenas, you go ahead and do what you need to do. It was war that birthed Captain America, née 98-pound weakling Steve Rogers. Chosen by the army for an innate courageousness that far outpaced the abilities of his scrawny body, he participates in an experimental program designed to use chemicals and some really cool-looking and completely unexplained technology to create a super-soldier. OK, so the rippling pecs don’t exactly hurt Rogers’ chances in the love department, either.

With a screenplay that was conceived in what will undoubtedly be remembered as the blackest night of the creative lives of the four writers who contributed to it, Green Lantern may well be the most punishingly idiotic superhero movie since…well, I’m going to have to go back to the pocketful of box office kryptonite that was Supergirl.