Humans have historically looked to the stars for insight or, in the case of our closest big ball o’ gas, the source of all life. And in a world as unsure as this one, we need all the guidance we can get. So, I’ve decided to do ya’ll a solid by providing a sense of how your October is going to go, based on the date of your birth (and no, for the zillionth time, NASA hasn’t changed your Zodiac sign). Spoiler alert: you’re most likely going to have a bad month, but hey, you probably already knew that much.

Lest you question my qualifications, know that my first foray into journalism was writing the horoscopes for my sixth grade newspaper. Admittedly, it was entirely made up and, at times, self-serving. My fifth grade boyfriend, a Scorpio, was dating someone new and I decided to low-key sabotage their sham of a union by admonishing Scorpios that the person they’re currently with is not right for them. They broke up not too long after, so case closed. Anyway, without further ado, here’s what your next month is going to look like.

Photo by Jim Havard.

LIBRA (September 22—October 21): Like the scale that symbolizes your sign, you say that you’re all about justice and balance, but let’s be real: that’s just a fancy way of saying that you have difficulty staying still for more than five seconds and it’s impossible to make up your mind. That’s why prix fixe menus are right up your alley—someone else decides on your behalf, everyone gets the same thing, and you can take a lap between courses. Relatedly, you might go broke. Beware of an October surprise.

SCORPIO (October 22—November 21): Everyone says you’re a hard worker, which is why you’re so stressed out all the time: you’re wondering if they’re right or if you’re actually just fooling them all. You’re probably willing to pay 75 cents a minute for place to nap downtown, but it won’t give you the relaxation you crave. Are you with someone right now? They’re not right for you. Beware of an October surprise.

SAGITTARIUS (November 22—December 21): Not to put too fine a point on it, but the reason you haven’t been able to score tickets to the new Smithsonian Museum of African American History and Culture is because you’re a loser. Maybe check out the Woodridge Library instead? Beware of an October surprise.

CAPRICORN (December 22—January 21): You hold your insight into the human condition in very high regard, but you’re not a genius for figuring out that people will wait in long lines for free food and rendezvous with nostalgia, so stop Dr. Phil-ing everything. Beware of an October surprise.

AQUARIUS (January 22—February 21): In a city of pop-ups, you are the new Adams Morgan Popeyes. Beware of an October surprise.

PISCES (February 22—March 21): Pisces, pisces, you fishy motherfucker. The stars tell me you’re going to have a horrible month and I’m not even upset about it. (Except for you Dad—you’re going to have a terrific month, which I am happy to hear.) Beware of an October surprise.

ARIES (March 22—April 21): You’d think people would be sick of election jokes by now, but your public heckling of the presidential and vice presidential debates at the bar has gone over surprisingly well. I don’t normally say this, but you might consider quitting your day job for a shot at late night comedy fame. Beware of an October surprise.

TAURUS (April 22—May 21): Despite the charging bull that represents your sign, you generally tend to keep your cool. This month, though, you’ll be seeing red—more the shade of boudoir scarlet than the blood of angry men—because the stars are conspiring to get you feeling horned up during even the most unexpected times. Beware of an October surprise.

GEMINI (May 22—June 21): It’s absolutely fine to change your mind, even when you’re on line to order your very specific, detailed lunch at your local fast casual establishment. But don’t be too surprised if, after your salad’s been prepared with a spring mix, you end up with some saliva vinaigrette in there, too, when you ask to toss it for a kale base. Beware of an October surprise.

CANCER (June 22—July 21): Ah, the homebody of the Zodiac (and, as the crabby, soft meat-filled astrological sign, please don’t take that personally). You’ll be delighted to learn that D.C. ranked as one of the top 10 cities for urban hermits (seriously), probably due to the fact that you can order anything, including weed, to your doorstep. You probably won’t venture far from there this month. Beware of an October surprise.

LEO (July 22—August 21): Your insane magnetism draws people in, though unfortunately, you still have to wait until next September to explain to the Insane Clown Posse exactly how magnets work. This month, like all of the months until the Juggalo March on D.C., will be comprised solely of biding your time. Why are the juggalos waiting a year until their urgent demonstration? Find out next September! Beware of an October surprise.

VIRGO (August 22—September 21): You’re the most mysterious of all the Zodiac signs. Really tough to pin you down, actually. Make some risky investments in the meantime. That 401K is burning a hole in your bank account. Beware of an October surprise.