Crying for 2016 already? You know, that time when you thought the future would bring a better world, rather than spending your waking moments wondering which tweet, exactly, will trigger a nuclear holocaust? Well, one thing I haven’t spent any time doing is buffing up on how horoscopes work. No matter, I will still tell you precisely how your February will go based on my “reading” of the stars.

Illustration by Ari Saperstein.

AQUARIUS (January 22—February 21): It is only when you’ve given up entirely that you have a niblet of a chance at getting what you want. Stop projecting your wants and needs on Ollie—she’s a goddamn bobcat.

PISCES (February 22—March 21): If it used to be a slaughterhouse, then don’t throw away your meat cleaver just yet. You might just have to start cutting the fat yourself. Stop projecting your wants and needs on Ollie—she’s a goddamn bobcat.

ARIES (March 22—April 21): You’re free, baby, free as the wind blows. Good luck finding your own food. Stop projecting your wants and needs on Ollie—she’s a goddamn bobcat.

TAURUS (April 22—May 21): It’s pretty tough to soar when you’re crushed by the weight of expectations. Sometimes throwing in the towel is the bravest thing you can do. Stop projecting your wants and needs on Ollie—she’s a goddamn bobcat.

GEMINI (May 22—June 21): Don’t promise a wall of meat if you’re only going to deliver with a meatball. Stop projecting your wants and needs on Ollie—she’s a goddamn bobcat.

CANCER (June 22—July 21): Just as a slingshot brought down Goliath, your calls, tweets, and tongue-in-cheek invites will bring about a more just tomorrow. Or, at the very least, those pebbles will swish around the wing-tipped shoes of the powerful, pissing them off each time they take a step. Stop projecting your wants and needs on Ollie—she’s a goddamn bobcat.

LEO (July 22—August 21): It’s time to start demanding the credit you deserve. If you actually kinda started the fire, you better not let people get away with saying you merely participated. And make sure they get your name right. Stop projecting your wants and needs on Ollie—she’s a goddamn bobcat.

VIRGO (August 22—September 21): Find a place entirely devoid of sound and color and stay there for February. You’ll be much happier than the rest of us, I promise. Stop projecting your wants and needs on Ollie—she’s a goddamn bobcat.

LIBRA (September 22—October 21): When smashing everything to pieces, make sure you’ve got some political ideology to back you up. Stop projecting your wants and needs on Ollie—she’s a goddamn bobcat.

SCORPIO (October 22—November 21): It’s always the cover-up that’ll get you caught, especially when you use semi-transparent blue tape. Stop projecting your wants and needs on Ollie—she’s a goddamn bobcat.

SAGITTARIUS (November 22—December 21): We’ve had to swallow a lot over the past couple of months, so when you choose what to put in your mouth, make sure it’s something inspired by the puerile. Stop projecting your wants and needs on Ollie—she’s a goddamn bobcat.

CAPRICORN (December 22—January 21): It’s hard to say goodbye, but when a preexisting agreement with a burgeoning world superpower requires it, you better start shipping out. Stop projecting your wants and needs on Ollie—she’s a goddamn bobcat.