“Hi, my friend picked this up for me this morning but the avocados are really dark … I’d like to get something else instead.”

“Well, the Bachelorette started at 20 contestants and is down to two. Call me when the candidates get that far.”

“We stayed out until 9 o’clock to see a jpeg on the Washington Monument?”

“Look, there are six ducks here and five of us. We should be able to grab one of them.”

“When Robert asks if I want to eat at the club tonight, he means go for samples at Sam’s Club.”

“It took maybe a year of living here for me to just get over myself and be fine with being sweaty all the time.”

“I’ve been trying to calculate the perfect scoot distance. You know, too far to walk, too close to Uber.”

“We had a child and Arlington got worse.”

“When you think about it, humans are really half-centaurs.”

“You know if someone tells you ‘my karate background has prepared me for this moment’, it’s a lame moment. Like, okay buddy.”