Ah, Summerslam. Sure, it’s not one of the WWE’s marquee properties, but we’ve always found it to offer a surprising amount of bang for the buck. And this year, August’s annual dose of “sports entertainment” (sorry persnickety DCist readers, we don’t have an “Entertainment” category so “Sports” will have to do) holds even more interest for D.C. residents than normal. Not only will the event be taking place at MCI Center, but Washington’s own Batista (pictured, sort of) will defend his title against arrogant Texas plutocrat John Bradshaw Layfield. Hmm… Who to root for, who to root for…

The card also offers other intriguing matchups. Matt Hardy’s real-life girlfriend left him for his friend Edge — will the two competitors be able to keep things professional in the squared circle? Will Eddie Guerrero or Rey Mysterio be the first to ascend the in-ring ladder, grab the custody papers, and become the legal guardian of the young boy fathered by Eddie and raised by Rey? Can Shawn Michaels and Hulk Hogan both make it through a headline match without a broken hip spoiling the fun? The city’s cuckolds, custody lawyers, and gerontologists will no doubt be scouring the internet for tickets to the event — or resigning themselves to obstructed view seats.

But for us, the five block trip is too much. This DCist will be viewing the action from the comfort of his home, eating pizza and concentrating on projecting an air of ironic detachment for as many drinks as possible. Or at least until someone does a somersault off the top rope.