Valentine’s Day: Do you hate the crass commercialization of love and the fact that it forces you to analyze your current relationship status (or non-status, as the case may be)? Or, do you secretly love the gooey sentiment and the small window of time where it’s socially acceptable for you to dot your “I’s” with hearts and spray cologne on a card? Color us apathetic.

Regardless of your feelings about the holiday, it’s a reality. And if you’re in a relationship, this likely will require you to bestow some sort of token of affection upon your (insert commitment level title here). And guys, while we applaud those among you who are adept at choosing thoughtful and appropriate gifts, we understand that many of you…aren’t.

Now, this may come as a shock, but women tend to overanalyze, so to avoid inadvertently sending the wrong message with your token of affection, we’ve assembled a handy translation guide of common gifts and what many ladies will interpret them to mean.