MONDAY
“Hey. What’s up. My name is Malcolm Lawrence. I couldn’t help noticing that you’ve been sitting outside the Hefner Auditorium here at the Keese School for Continuing Education—located, as I’m sure you know, at 417 Russell Avenue in Gaithersburg—for quite some time. Just waiting for something exciting to happen? Yeah. I don’t blame you. Well, I’ll tell you what, if you’ve got two bucks and can wait until say, 7:30 this evening, I’ve got a good feeling that Something Will Come Along. Maybe some funny remembrances of a life in the foreign service, even. Now, you know where the restroom is in this joint?”

TUESDAY
George McGovern comes to Washington, D.C. to discuss his new book, Social Security and the Golden Age: An Essay on the New American Demographic. While McGovern did host Saturday Night Live back in 1984, you shouldn’t expect the discussion to be one of unbridled hilarity, but you never know with McGovern. He’s quite the cut up. Olsson’s Books & Records, 418 7th St. NW. at 7 p.m.

WEDNESDAY
While poet Nikki Giovanni’s new collection is entitled Quilting the Black-Eyed Pea, we can ensure you that at no time during her reading will you be subjected to any tuneless hip-hop paeans to breast cancer. Borders, 1801 K St. NW., at 7 p.m.

THURSDAY
Despite the many quality-of-life advancements made in modern society, not many people know that the floor underneath our dinner tables have only grown more laden with germs. But Robert Crais will not be explaining this phenomenon and what you need to do to adjust your lifestyle as he discusses The Two Minute Rule, but you’ll here a fine story about a penitent thief, so, upside. Borders, 5871 Crossroads Center Way, Baileys Crossroads., at 7:30 p.m.