By DCist contributer Clare Kelley.

D.C. has a lot of important people going to a lot of important places. However, unless your vehicle has flashing lights and sirens on it, a pedestrian’s life and/or safety is actually more important than where you’re going. With that in mind, DCist hereby announces the following rules for Militant Pedestrians, effective immediately:

1. If, when stopped at a red light, your car is anywhere in the crosswalk, pedestrians are allowed to trample over your car. Female pedestrians should feel free to change out of their commuter shoes and back into their stiletto heels before trampling the car.

2. If you honk at a pedestrian when said pedestrian clearly has the right of way, (this means YOU, drivers who ignore the sign that says “Yield to Pedestrians When Turning” in 2 inch block letters at 16th and U St. NW!), the pedestrian may stand in the middle of the intersection in front of your car for an amount of time to be determined him or her, blocking your progress while laughing at your hapless state of powerlessness. Other passersby may also feel free to point and mock you.