What, pray tell, do you consider the most pressing issue facing the United States Senate? Is it the war in Iraq? The Israel-Lebanon conflict? Global warming? The energy crisis? The low minimum wage? Immigration? Flag burning? Health care? Are you sad yet? Fortunately, the New York Times’ crack political reporters have singled it out for us: the interminable crowding of the Senators-only elevators. In an article only D.C. could inspire, we get a glimpse into the everyday hassles the members of the Upper House must suffer to do the simple work for their constituents and the intentionally complex and obfuscated work for their donors.
For those lucky enough to have jobs that do not require regular trips to the Hill, both the House and the Senate have one elevator per bank reserved for our elected legislators so they may move quickly and effortlessly to votes and meetings while the buildings are otherwise crowded with thousands of students with the CloseUp Foundation and equal thousands of constituents snickering about how their Senator’s office is located in 416 Russell S.O.B. (“S.O.B.? I’ll say!”). But the hydraulic wood-panelled playgrounds of the powerful are under attack! The hoi polloi and worse, the press, are getting on the Senators-only lifts and ruining the fun. Why would anyone want to end the source of great stories like the legendary interaction between then-freshman Senator Patty Murray (D-Wash.) and the magic fingers of then-living Senator Strom Thurmond (R-S.C.)?
Unfortunately, the Times’ highlighting of this problem can only lead to a tragic breakdown of the invisible barrier between elected and elector. In an effort to ease the transition for both Senator and visitor, DCist offers the following tips:
• Do not ask Senator Barbara Mikulski (D-Md.) if she’s ever had crabs.
• Senator Mike Crapo’s (R-Ida.) name is pronounced CRAY-poe.
• If you are a minority and/or a firefighter, avoid Senator Conrad Burns (R-Mont.).
• Senator Barbara Boxer (D-Calif.) is called that for a reason: she will hit you in the face with a left hook.
• Senator Jim Bunning (R-Ky.) actually thinks he’s in a life-sized version of the game Elevator Action.
• Under no circumstances are you to ask Senator Barack Obama (D-Ill.) if you can touch his hair.
When asked to comment about the article, Senate President Pro Tempore, Ted Stevens (R-Alaska), went on to explain how the Senate elevators are a complex electronic network that carries Senators to and fro across great distances at the speed of light, thus creating an infinite web of legislative power and fundraising prowess. However, the Senate elevator system is, in fact, a series of tubes.
