In discussions about Metro’s 2008 budget shortfall, you might hear a lot of doubletalk about the costs of dealing with increased ridership, expanded service, the need to recruit and retain workers in a tighter labor market, and how “millions” will have to be spent to enable “fare machines” to accept the redesigned “$5 bill.” Tell it to someone who cares, Metro. We know there’s largesse to be cut, and we don’t mean a few holiday bus routes or station entrances. What, it costs money to open an extra entranceway? I can push that metal gate up and down, and it doesn’t cost me a dime.
When the going gets tough, the tough get serious about fixing budgets. You have to find ways to make it work, Metro, and we’re here to help. Things you should try:
>> Pinch pennies. The best way to do this is by putting them on the rails before a train passes.
>> Instead of lots of small trains, why not have one long train that’s simultaneously in all the stations? 400 cars per line should do it.
>> Drop costly “g”s from PA announcements. “Doors closin'” gets the point across, I think.
>> Add ramps to attract the lucrative Segway commuter market.
>> Objects in motion tend to stay in motion, so to cut down on energy costs, try not stoppin’. Padding on platforms would make for soft landings.
>> Do the floor tiles really need all those stipples? What is the cost per stipple? Definitely room for savings there.
>> Get riders to lean forward. Get riders to lean back. Get riders to lean forward. Get riders to lean back. Continue until arrivin’ at destination.
>> Beer vendors.
>> Have we looked into those eye scannin’ machines that Metro used in Minority Report? They would cut down on the cost of paper for Farecards, plus they’re probably just sittin’ in some movie backlot somewhere waitin’ to be thrown out.
>> Rename Metro “Supertrain” or “Metrotravaganza.” Spruce up the old logo a little. Make ridin’ the rails a little more like being a comic book hero.
>> We can’t emphasize this enough — strike oil.
Picture taken by DottieboBottie.
