Up the Green Line past Pleasant Plains, I’m supposed to meet BARTENDERHULK at some new speakeasy on the corner of Brockway and Ogdenville. The bar itself is normal for what you find all over D.C.: backlit spirits, TVs overhead, 15 stools along a wooden bar, a mix of craft and crap. But the “man” behind the bar looks out of place. Green and shirtless, he has a musculature that suggests too much time with steroids. Every now and then he shouts at customers…

“YOU ASK HULK FOR VODKA MARTINI THEN SAY DRINK NOT HAVE ENOUGH ALCOHOL. YOU STUPID ON MORE LEVELS THAN HULK CAN SMASH”

“PUT SHOES BACK ON! YOU NOT EVEN WEARING REAL SHOES. HULK THINK YOU RAISED IN BARN, FLIPFLOP WEARING BARN.”

“JUST CAUSE YOU NOT HAVE ANYTHING TO SAY TO EACHOTHER NOT MEAN HULK NEED BE DRAGGED INTO YOUR BAD DATE”

“BIG GROUP COME IN WORST TIME!! HULK HAVE TO POOP! PLEASE HURRY ORDER!! PURPLE SHORTS IN DANGER!”

I put aside my apprehension, and with an appropriate amount of fear, we begin our interview:

What made you give up a life of superheroism for bartending?

HULK ABLE TO PERFORM MANY TASK!! HE NOT JUST HAVE SUPERSTRENGTH!! HE FULLY FORMED AND COMPLICATED HULK!!

Do you still dabble in physics or talk to your old colleagues?

HULK PREFER NOT TO TALK ABOUT OLD DAYS!! IT PAINFUL FOR HULK!!

What are the three most common things customers do to make you angry?

HULK NOT APPRECIATE CUSTOMER WHO ACT RUDE!! OR WASTE HULK TIME!! OR MAKE MESS!! DO NOT FORGET HULK WORK FOR TIP!!