If you’re of the persuasion that, despite all sound reason to the contrary, it’s perfectly dandy for the parents of the District to drag their children like so many weathered messenger bags up to the bars of the District, well, this is America, and there’s nothing anyone can really do about it. But as a city — nay, as a culture — we owe it to ourselves to draw the line somewhere. And that line, friends, is demarcated with the syrupy stain of children’s “mocktails.”

At the top of this post, you’ll find a portion of a recent promotional email sent by the EatWellDC group of restaurants — operators of Commissary, Logan Tavern, Grillfish and The Heights — announcing a happy hour designed specifically for children.

From a business standpoint, can we fault The Heights for wanting to pull in customers from the burgeoning family population in Columbia Heights? Regrettably, no — if I were a restaurateur, you could bet that I’d like as many families as possible to be walking in that door, despite the collateral damage that such a business plan would no doubt inflict on the poor wait staff who’d have to serve little Timmy his chicken fingers. (Plus: The Heights has plenty of competitors in the ‘hood that already cater to such an audience.) But it appears as if, in the last couple of years, such philosophies have opened the door to the increased fortification by the kind of people for whom happy hour is less associated with shooting the bull with a beer in hand than it is with whole wheat pasta, smoothies and face painting on increasingly valuable patio space. It’s just…wrong.

Also: “mocktails”? Please.

Now, if you’ll excuse me, I probably need to go and help find whatever’s left of my former co-editor’s exploded skull.