Photo by Gerald L. Campbell.

Instructions: some of them are far easier to follow than others.

Overheard of the Week

Two doughy guys in dirty baseball caps and dirty baggy cargo shorts, one in a grimy red t-shirt and the other in a similarly grimy grey one, by the intersection of Prince and South Union streets in Old Town, Virginia, Wednesday afternoon. Red shirt from across the street to grey shirt, hanging around a white pick up truck:

“Hey! Keep away from my gun rack!”

Keep reading for tips on smart kids, stupid kids and Metro, Metro, Metro.

Overheard in D.C. depends on you to send in the funny and weird stuff you hear. But make sure you tell us who said it, where and in what context.

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Unlawful transport of a Primanti’s sandwich?

On the Circulator in Southwest on Monday around 8 p.m.

Women on her cell phone: “Guess why they’re sending me to Pittsburgh? Well what’s the one reason you can get arrested for when you cross state line?”

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Children: smarter than you think.

Girl, probably 7 years old:

“I didn’t have any place to put it! I mean, what 7 year old has a clean room?”

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Children: a lot dumber than you think.

Two teenagers in front of a slavery exhibit at the American history museum:

Boy: “Slaves were so dumb. Why didn’t they just buy guns and shoot their owners in the face?”
Girl: “But then they’d lose their jobs. Where would they get money?”
Boy: “You’re an idiot. Slaves don’t get paid. And they could run away on the special railroad.”

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Adorable

Union Station, lunchtime. Two middle-aged casually-dressed men, walking down the escalator.

Guy 1: “You know, the problem with living together and being married…is that you can’t sneak away to buy her candy or flowers.”
Guy 2: “So true.”

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Hostility?

Two 20-somethings are walking by the Cosi North of Dupont Circle in 100 degree heat.

Female: “So, I left a toaster oven in the trunk of my car. Do you think it’s going to melt back there?”
Male: “Are you fucking kidding me?”
A moment of silence.
Male: “Do you know what toaster ovens are for?”

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Well played, sir

Around 6:30 in the morning, a young man in gym clothes walks inside DCUSA, clearly on his way to the Washington Sports Club. After seeing that the down escalator is broken and blocked off, he turns his head to the policeman standing guard at the building’s entrance.

“So I see we’re gonna be like Metro today.”

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Yeah, that’s the key

At the Potomac Avenue Harris Teeter at around 4:30 in the afternoon. Very overweight couple is going down the escalator with a cart that appears to be full of junk food.

Woman to man: “The doctor didn’t say I couldn’t have burgers and fries.”
Man to woman: “Yes, he did.”
Woman to man: “I think he meant in moderation. Like every few days.”

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At least he’s honest

During the Red Line single-tracking on Saturday, July 23, around 7:15 pm, Dupont Station on the platform as Shady Grove-bound train unloads:

Metro Employee announces to large crowd on platform: “Next train is headed to Glenmont! Next train, Glenmont!”
Man waiting for train: “What time will it be here?”
Metro Employee, pointing towards the north tunnel opening: “Man, that train could get right THERE, break down and be stopped for 3 hours, and you ain’t goin’ nowhere!”

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Not literally, I hope

Monday morning around 8:45 on the Crystal City Metro platform. 2 nerdy looking men, probably co-workers, were talking about employees in their office following new software security guidelines:

Nerdy man in yellow plaid shirt: “It’s not about expectations, it’s about ball breaking. I will break their balls.”
Nerdy bald man: “Yeah, man, you just gotta smash them.”

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Young professional dater

Monday evening, outside DC USA entrance.

One male retail employee to another, presumably on their break: “Yeah, I never wanted to be a young professional…I just wanted to date them.”

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And he’s been taking karate lessons

On a flight waiting to take off at Dulles, a grumpy mom to her loud, babbling toddler, in a strained voice: “You have to be quiet. If you don’t, it means you’re a bad girl. You’re gonna have to have a one-on-one with Jesus.” (Girl immediately grows quiet.)

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Next time, let her go first

On the Red Line between Dupont Circle and Farragut North:

Pretentious guy trying to impress a girl: “I’m interning now, but I’ll go back to Atlanta after summer, maybe look to do consulting for a couple years before making a run in politics when I’m in my late 20s. So what do you do?”
Girl: “I work in the White House.”
Guy: “Oh. That’s cool too.”

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They actually grind up old people and put them into the mix.

Two women in their early twenties. The baking aisle of the Columbia Heights Giant:

“Granulated? What does granulated even mean? That’s disgusting!”

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That’s just an estimate, of course

At 8:45 am, a mother walking to Preview Day check in at American University on her cell phone:

“It’s 900 million fucking degrees here!”

(It was 85 degrees at that time.)