One time, a friend of mine told me a story about this time he lost his keys.

Well, they weren’t so much lost, so much as someone had accidentally picked them up at a party he was at. The problem was that the party was in my friend’s building; so, after the lady — and everyone else — had taken off from the party with his keys, my friend was really struggling to figure out how to get in touch with her. See, his cell phone was upstairs. In his locked apartment. Obviously, not only was the guy put out because he didn’t have his keys, his only real way of getting in contact with the gal who had his keys required the use of said keys. And everyone had left the party, so he was trying to figure out who he could borrow a phone from and hope he remembered this lady’s phone number off the top of his head, not to mention hoping that she wouldn’t hang up on him for calling her out of the blue at 2 a.m.

Really frustrating, as you can imagine, being so hamstrung like that.

Well, anyway: if anyone out there knows this Barry Morewitz character who apparently owes the District $17,851,263.34 in several years of back taxes — millions of dollars more than anyone else on a list of alleged delinquent taxpayers published by the Office of Tax and Revenue, even Nick Cho! — could you tell him that we’d really like our keys money back?

We could really use it about now, you know. Thanks.