After months of speculation, news broke yesterday that Volkswagen — D.C. United’s primary sponsor for the past six years — is parting ways with the District’s Major League Soccer outfit. Though they’ll likely retain a smaller sponsorship role, VW’s presence with United will be drastically reduced. One thing’s for sure: you won’t be seeing the German automaker’s instantly recognizable logo on United’s uniforms anymore.
Though the club says they’re presently in talks with several companies vying to claim the now-empty space on their kits, we’ve got some suggestions of our own. Here are a few ideas.
[Ed. note: Our friends at the City Paper had a similar idea. Great minds.]
Terminix: It’s no secret that RFK stadium is home to all sorts of wildlife. Feral cats, rodents, poisonous spiders, wasps, dead fish, raccoons — you name it. It’s equally well-known that the club is a bit short of funds at the moment. This partnership makes perfect sense: Terminix reaches a broader market segment, while United could accept partial payment in extermination services, finally ridding its home of all of its uninvited guests. The team should be careful, though: I hear there’s a team of roaches in the lower level concourse that’s become resistant to common insecticides, and they may do well to leave them be.
Semen Indonesia: As you read this, United are currently on an Indonesian tour, looking to expand their international brand. The black and red certainly have strong ties to Indonesia: first-year owner Erick Thohir is among that country’s wealthiest residents. It only makes sense, then, to pair with a marquee Indonesian brand.
That’s where Semen comes in. Semen Indonesia is the country’s largest concrete company. In their own words: “Has now Semen Indonesia become strategic a holding who changed the way our business in increasing the value-value of corporation as company cement leading-edge. Strategic step we for become company cement which the largest in Indonesian and the Asia Southeast.”
Brightest Young Things: If United are looking to stay local with their ad reach, why not consider local website Brightest Young Things? BYT can continue their relentless, unceasing quest to plan your evening, while DCU could potentially benefit from some free party planning.
Just imagine: a normally dreary mid-summer matchup against Chivas USA is converted into the city’s largest ever Rumspringa-themed rave. RFK’s modest Jumbotron shuffles through a seemingly interminable stack of party photographs, and the entire pitch is done away with. Teams now do battle on a massive events calendar.
This may seem like an inconvenience to the players, many of whom will be sidelined, not by knee injuries, but by epileptic seizures caused by RFK’s new strobe-light system. But they shouldn’t worry: they can have all the free Vitamin Water they want.
Pepco, Ackridge, Mark Ein: United’s biggest accomplishment of the year, of course, was coming to a stadium agreement. The announcement, however, may have been a bit premature, as hurdles still remain in terms of acquiring the land to build the facility on. They’d do well to offer up their uniform space to the parties who own the ground they so desperately need: oft-maligned local electrical provider Pepco, real estate corporation Ackridge and Washington Kastles owner and yacht-money-having-businessman Mark Ein. We like the Ein jersey the best. More jerseys need to have faces on them. It’s a good look.
DCist: Hear us out. I know we don’t have millions of dollars to throw at the team, but we’ve covered United dutifully for years. It’s time to get our name out there.
And we’ve already designed the uniforms for the team. They’re getting a complete makeover. Gone is the boring solid black design, replaced by black and white “hoops.” But these aren’t your average stripes: embedded in each of the white stripes are thousands of “SadStats,” a nod to United’s record-shatteringly-awful 2013 season. Every time a United player slips into the shirt (we haven’t decided on fabric yet, but we’re thinking wool) they’ll be inspired to never let any of that happen again.
