Photo by Alan Zilberman.
By DCist Contributor Alan Zilberman
Several years ago I was a frequent patron of Shwarma King, the now defunct sandwich spot on the Adams Morgan section of Columbia Road. There was always an anxiety about the toppings—as much as I love garlic, too much can be a bad thing—and their falafel was about as good as Amsterdam’s. In the intervening years, the German-Turkish hybrid restaurant Doner Bistro moved into the space. At first I wouldn’t go out of dumb loyalty to Shwarma King, but thanks to the suggestion from DCist reader poopieface, I decided to forego my biases in favor of a new bathroom experience. I wasn’t disappointed.
+6 for the black light: Doner Bistro is a well-lit spot, so the most striking thing about its men’s room is how it forces an eye adjustment. The bathroom, featuring one toilet and one urinal, is a harsh adjustment on the eyes, yet the space is not dark. Instead, it’s moody and welcoming like the weird part of an aquarium. Bathrooms are utilitarian, so who knew they could have ambiance?
-2 for the inadequate supply: Granted, I was literally the only paying customer when I visited Doner Bistro, but there’s only one women’s room and one mixed-use restroom (the men’s room is for both men and women). These facilities are plentiful when no one is around for lunch, but I’ve walked past the spot when its patio is full of drunk, happy patrons. The line would be untenable in such a situation, yet ultimately worth the wait.
+5 for urinal games: At the urinal there is a silly soccer game where you can “score a goal” by aiming your urine stream at the ball. This kind of mindless entertainment gives a great, even overwhelming feeling of accomplishment. Granted, Japan is on the forefront of urinal games (NSFW-ish link), but I still appreciate this low-tech alternative.
-1 for the automatic paper towel disposal: Call me old-fashioned, but I prefer it when there’s a rudimentary, manual paper towel mechanism. I prefer several paper towels, for one thing, and sometimes the automatic sensor does not work properly. This is a minor quibble—if anything, Doner Bistro’s paper towel dispenser is too generous —yet it’s worth mentioning since all bathrooms must strive for hand-drying excellence.
+4 for truly outstanding background music: Aside from the occasional groan or splash, I generally prefer my bathrooms to be a silent experience. God forbid anyone actually speaks while relieving themselves. Doner Bistro instead takes things in the opposite direction: while German radio pervades the dining area, there is a soundtrack of New Age aquarium music in the bathroom. This bathroom-going soundtrack is unquestionably terrific: the music alienates and provides comfort. It gives an otherworldly experience, as if the bathroom is an oasis from your drunk asshole friends. The bathroom is home.
+1 for a funny/serious bathroom sign on the ladies room: Remember when I reviewed the Right Proper bathroom and I poo-poo’d the passive-aggressive signage? Part of the delight of Doner Bistro is how the signs run in the opposite direction: on the women’s room door, there’s a sign that reads, “No trespassing. GIRLS ONLY. Violators will be slapped.” It’s cheeky and fun, without calling too much attention to inherent urinal privilege.
Overall score: +13. This unique bathroom is easily my favorite in the entire city. The food at Doner Bistro is undeniably tasty—it combines German heartiness with middle-eastern flavor—but I’ll keep coming back just so I can use their facilities. Thank you, poopieface, for this most excellent recommendation. And, DCist readers, if you have any further recommendation, bad or good, do not hesitate to, uh, dump ’em on me.
