A glory hole for giants? What is the point of this hole? Photo by Alan Zilberman.
By DCist Contributor Alan Zilberman
Nestled on the unit block of F Street near Union Station, the classic dive Kelly’s Irish Times has been a longtime favorite for Georgetown Law Students who’d rather order more Guinness than read another page about tort reform. It’s also a popular spot for visiting Fire and Police Departments from around the country: all around the bar there are protective service patches from what seems like every major metropolitan protective service department. No one expects immaculate cleanliness from an unpretentious pub, yet the men’s room at Kelly’s has some features that are perplexing at best.
-6 for stall door portals: There is exactly one stall at Kelly’s, and inexplicably there are two gigantic square holes in the stall door. They are not big enough to stick one’s head through, yet they give curious eyes a complete opportunity to violate the privacy of someone who just wants to take a dump in peace. For the life of me, I cannot think of a single decent reason why these holes exist. Maybe they’re a deterrent from pooping? Or perhaps they’re some kind of bizarrely modified glory holes? I’ve certainly encountered bar bathroom poop deterrents before (but no glory holes), yet I don’t think the door was altered with that degree of self-awareness. Either way, anyone who needs the stall should head to the Dubliner next door.
+3 for efficient use of space: It’s not ideal, exactly, but I have to give points to Kelly’s since their men’s room is only slightly bigger than a closet. In that cramped space they somehow managed to squeeze a sink, a hand drier, two urinals, and the aforementioned stall. There’s not any room to stand in line in the bathroom—it’s much too narrow for that—but I’m glad the proprietors did their best so that supply could meet bathroom demand.
-4 for poop-colored walls: Save for some modest white tile, the men’s room at Kelly’s comes in two colors: caramel brown, or milk chocolate brown. These are generous descriptors since these shades of poop have emerged from the buttholes of damn near everyone (you and me included). To me, the colors look like what happens after I’ve eaten green curry, or maybe a box of of Berger Cookies. Either way, a brown bathroom means that some drunk asshole could smear their shit on the wall and no one would immediately notice. There’s a reason why bathrooms should stick with pristine white.
+2 for an adequate toilet paper supply: When I visited, the stall at Kelly’s has a roll that was about three-quarters used, with another full one sitting atop the bowl. Supply assurances are an important part of any bathroom experience—even a dive—although it’s unnecessary here since it’s easy to make emergency eye contact with anyone who enters for a quick whiz.
-3 for an unsatisfactory sink experience: This is really lumping two problems into one category. For one thing, the men’s room at Kelly’s has no mirror. Now, I don’t need to touch up my face when I visit the bathroom, but it’s nice to see I don’t have a piece of lettuce in my teeth. And the hand drier situation just adds insult to injury: once again the automatic paper towel dispensers make an unwanted appearance. I swear there’s nothing more frustrating than when I wave my hand over the sensor and nothing fucking happens.
Overall score: -8. Kelly’s has totally decent bar food, and it’s a great spot for a low-key beer after work. Just plan your bathroom visit around Kelly’s, instead of depending on it. If you need some privacy, I guess you could toss your jacket over the stall door or whatever.
