This is perfect. Photo by Alan Zilberman.
By DCist Contributor Alan Zilberman
Located near the Senate side of Capitol Hill, Union Pub sets the standard for bars that also serve as a gathering space. I have a fond memory of going there during midterm election returns, and watching a fight break out between two Congressional staffers (one of whom probably lost their job). Since the World Cup is in full swing, I thought the spot would be teeming with fans who wanted to get their lunchtime soccer fix. Instead, it was barely populated while the matches unfolded on every flat screen available. Union Pub has been open for years, so it’d be a mistake to expect anything from their bathroom. A major design flaw notwithstanding, this sports bar sets the standard for what facilities should offer.
+6 for perfect sink/hand-drying options: This, my friends, is the gold standard against which I’ll consider all other future bathrooms. Union Pub has two sinks—each one fully operational—with a hand-operated soap dispenser, and adequately stocked paper towel rolls. That’s it. There’s no tepid hand-drier, no automatic paper towel dispenser, and the trash can is sitting right next to the sink. This set-up creates a blissful, intuitive bathroom experience. Except for a Dyson Air Blade, bells and whistles in the bathroom are never the answer.
-4 for steps toward the men’s room entrance: The men’s room requires stepping through a narrow hallway, one that begins with two normal-sized steps. This is all well and good for entering the bathroom, but what about when you’ve relieved yourself and it’s time to leave? One wrong step and it’s disaster (I’m talking broken limbs here). This danger is exacerbated when patrons are really goddamn hammered. Soccer fans should take heed when they pile into the bar for a soccer match, otherwise it’s one step between hooligan glory and the emergency room.
+3 for an understated, wry men’s room sign: On the men’s room there’s usually a sign that says “Gentlemen” or even “Men.” Instead, there’s an amateurish drawing of a male stick figure, with a graffiti penis and stream of urine. Bathrooms should never be funny—no one wants their dump interrupted by laughter, unless they’re sick in the head—but the little flourish that elicits a quiet “heh” is perfectly acceptable, even encouraged. I hope this sign is not a placeholder for something more “official,” because it’s genius as it currently stands.
-1 for questionable toilet paper placement: There are two private stalls in the men’s room, and while one toilet paper roll is parallel to the floor—the industry standard—the other is at an odd angle. Handling the roll is annoying at best, cumbersome at worst. When it’s time to wipe, there should be no pause to think about stall design. This could be Union Pub’s attempt to be avant garde or something (the paper towel roll is perpendicular to the floor), but the toilet paper is annoyingly difficult to manipulate since the stall is so narrow.
+2 for unnecessary wooden flourishes: The flat screens at Union Pub have wooden frames, and the men’s room follows suit appropriately. The bathroom mirror has a wooden frame, there are wooden mounts in the stalls, and even the trash can is framed around a wooden barrel. While the cleanliness is average for a sports bar —absolutely no one should want to stay here—this design suggests that thought and care went into the bathroom’s shape.
-1 for hooks above the sink: I imagine that few men use the hooks that are on the lower half of the bathroom mirror’s frame. They’d be more useful in the women’s room, as it’s relatively more common for women to bring bags into the facilities, but here they’re a strange distraction. I suppose a dude could hang their keys for fear of them falling into the toilet, but if you need to hang your keys in order to take a shit, then you’re probably doing it wrong.
Overall score: +5. This is it, folks. This is one of the best, unpretentious bathrooms I’ve come across since I’ve started this public service column. Bar owners throughout D.C., take heed! This is how you handle hygiene right. As the World Cup continues, more soccer fans should pile into this classic sports hang, to piss and shit in luxury.
