Photo by Alan Zilberman.By DCist Contributor Alan Zilberman
Located in northern Columbia Heights, Lyman’s is much more than an alternative for those who are sick of the crowds at Red Derby. It feels like a genuine neighborhood spot, without significant crowds and cheap drinks (for D.C., anyway). In fact, I wouldn’t be surprised if you could use one hand to count the places that serve PBR on tap for $3. The most noteworthy thing about the bar, however, are the pinball machines. They run the gamut from retro to modern, and the bartenders are more than happy to supply you with quarters (alongside your fearless Associate Editor, I recently played several games of Attack from Mars. Editor’s note: I kicked his ass). The bathroom at Lyman’s is a strange mix of a dive and industrial chic, full of austere light and intelligible Sharpie graffiti. But despite its overall severe aesthetics, there is one homey flourish that is both a mission statement and strangely welcoming.
+6 for a truly excellent cross-stitch: There is little art in the Lyman’s bathrooms that is not a form of vandalism, so the only deliberate piece stands out. In a tasteful frame where no one can miss it, there’s a cross-stitch that says, “Please don’t do coke in the bathroom.” The cross-stitch also has adorable hearts and tulips. The message is an important one—the bathrooms at Lyman’s are single-serving, which means that it’s easy to take drugs privately—and I think the medium of cross-stitch is an effective deterrent against any would-be coke user. I can just imagine someone closing one nostril, getting ready to party hard, only to see the sign, give a chuckle, and say, “Ok, maybe I’ll wait until The Derby instead.” The sign is the best kind of PSA: one that captures the imagination of anyone who sees it.
-4 for harsh lighting: It’s like last call every time you enter the bathroom at Lyman’s. An industrial bulb illuminates the restroom, and given the low lighting of the bar itself, it’s like an assault on the eyes every time you need to take a shit. I understand that bathrooms should be well-lit, but the bulb is just too much. I want to see exactly where I’m relieving myself, not a recreation of a goddamn construction site.
+1 for industrial wallpaper: The wallpaper at Lyman’s looks like construction plans—a blueprint for some unknowable project. It’s an unusual choice, one that is intriguing for the patron whose about open the proverbial flood gates. Many bathrooms have funny graffiti, or perhaps a copy of the day’s paper on the wall. Lyman’s wallpaper is like a mystery, the sort of thing that could get our confirmation bias running wild. A JJ Abrams fan might look at the walls and then try to uncover a massive conspiracy.
-2 for gendered bathrooms: Admittedly, this score requires some conjecture on my part, as I don’t know what facilities are available in the women’s room. But the men’s room at Lyman’s has no stall door, and if the women’s room is similar, then there’s no reason to separate the bathrooms by men and women. I enjoy the sign on the men’s room—it says “BUCKS”—but after midnight, patrons won’t give a Texas shit over who’s the intended user of the facilities. They only want the line to move as quickly as possible, and a mixed gender line will facilitate that. Women who have visited Lyman’s: what does the restroom offer? If there are two private stalls there, I may need to update my score accordingly.
+1 for a hand pump paper towel dispenser: Arguably, this hand-drying option is less sanitary than, say, a Dyson Air Blade, but I prefer it over a dispenser with a hand sensor. Sure, I don’t know what kind of disgusting bacteria is on the hands of people who touched the handle last, but the same is true of the bathroom door, and it’s not like many doors open automatically. Absent a high tech hand drier, all bar bathrooms should with this classic, tried and true option.
Overall score: +2. Every bar bathroom should have some of kind of home craft that deters against bad behavior. I realize that would make Lyman’s less special, but I value the implied public service over a unique decoration. Hell, I bet most bars would benefit from a cross-stitch, even if they’re warning against a behavior that’s uncommon. You heard it here first, folks: I’ll give an automatic plus 15 points to any men’s room with the cross-stitch that says, “PLEASE DO NOT SHIT IN THE URINALS.”
