Everything tastes better when you’re high (or, uh, so we hear). Coupled with the hunger a high can induced, it’s no wonder people think stoners will eat just about anything. But if junk food and cereal is mind-blowing after a few hits, real food made by a skilled chef is even better. More importantly, you can now test this theory—legally!—thanks to D.C.’s recent decision to legalize marijuana. In honor of the occasion, we’ve put together a list of dishes to cure your next case of the munchies. Elsewhere in the Istaverse is the Best Burritos, which are also good to consume while stoned, so consult 2013’s list for that.
Photo courtesy of Endless Simmer.
THE FUCK IT BUCKET AT KANGAROO BOXING CLUB: As the name indicates, this dish is only for the truly compromised. Available after 11 p.m. on the weekends, the Fuck It Bucket is an amalgamation of sweet, salty, and fatty foods that are sure to taste absolutely transcendent while high (or, let’s be real, drunk). The bucket’s contents are always a surprise: expect anything from pulled pork pizza to a slice of pie to a grilled cheese sandwich; fries are the only constant. As the menu says, ““Bowl full o’awesome. No take backsies!” —Alicia Mazzara
Kangaroo Boxing Club is located at 3410 11th Street NW.
GRILLED CHEESE AT STONEY’S: Stoney’s for the stoners? Yup, sometimes the name says it all. This pub’s tried-and-true grilled cheese is sure to cure any of your late-night cravings, with a side of fries to boot. It’s buttery, full of carbs, and a classic comfort food for a reason. Upgrade to the “super grilled cheese”—which comes topped with tomato, onion, and bacon—and you’ll be flying, uh, high all night. Pro tip: you can add chicken tenders to the “super” for a meat-tastic delight known as “Freddie style” after the bar’s chef. Mind blown, man. —Victoria Finkle
Stoney’s is located at 1433 P Street NW.
FALAFEL WITH ALL THE TOPPINGS AT AMSTERDAM FALAFEL: Amsterdam Falafel has begun to franchise, making it easier than ever to indulge in their freshly-fried chickpea delights. And as the name implies, this is a 420-friendly spot, from the tabletops decorated with logos of Amsterdam smoke shops to the simple menu—falafel, fries, brownies—that allows hungry stoners to obtain satisfaction fast. The real joy of the falafel at Amsterdam though is the toppings bar. Unleash your creativity and take your pick from the extensive selection of slaws, salads, pickles, and sauces—your only limit is your ability to cleverly stuff and balance as many toppings as your pita can support. Health conscious stoners can appreciate that a falafel, topped with an array of veggies and slathered with tahini and hummus, provides a more healthful and protein-packed munchie fix than Jumbo Slice or whatever fried foods are normally craved. And all the D.C. locations are open until 4 a.m. on weekends, so late night stoners, rejoice.—Elizabeth Packer
Amsterdam Falafel has three D.C. locations, 1830 14th Street NW, 2425 18th Street NW, and 429 L’Enfant Plaza SW, Suite 420 (hehe).
Photo by Kenton Ngo.
SUPER NACHOS AT CANTINA MARINA: As winter releases D.C. from its icy grip, another annual rite of passage takes place: Cantina Marina re-opens for the season! And when you’re hungrier than you’ve ever been in your life—like seriously, you can’t ever remember being more hungry—nachos are a good bet. There are no nachos in the city quite like the massive “Super Nachos” at Cantina Marina: chips, chili, shrimp, steak, Andouille sausage, queso, pico de gallo, crema, avocado, and jalapeños, all for just under thirty dollars.—Josh Kramer
Cantina Marina is located at 600 Water Street SW.
TOTCHOS AT TONIC: Totchos, also known as tater tot nachos, seem like they were probably invented by a high person. The combination may sound like one of desperation, but subbing tots in for tortilla chips is actually a stroke of sick genius. The tots bring that familiar potato-y taste of childhood to the indulgent goodness of sour cream, cheese, and guacamole. If totchos are wrong, I don’t want to be right. —Alicia Mazzara
Tonic is located at 2036 G Street NW.
SPICY HONEY WINGS AT KOCHIX: The only thing better than fried chicken is Korean fried chicken. Impossibly crispy and coated in a sticky spicy honey sauce, the wings at Kochix do not disappoint, regardless of your mental state. Even better, the wings are available for delivery via Caviar, so you don’t even need to leave the house (which happens to be the only place you’re allowed to smoke or consume weed anyway). —Alicia Mazzara
KoChix is located at 400 Florida Avenue NW.
PROPER BURGER AT DUKE’S GROCERY: Fast food is a stoner food staple, but there are way better places to get a burger than Micky D’s. The Proper Burger at Duke’s Grocery blows most other burgers out of the water, even if you’re not under the influence of cannabis. The standard toppings—fried onion, garlic aioli, sweet chili sauce, arugula, melted gouda cheese—are a formidable taste sensation on their own. But Duke’s Grocery knows what your voracious appetite wants wants, and that’s to add bacon, avocado, chicken liver pate, or a fried egg. Or all of the above, because marijuana. —Alicia Mazzara
Duke’s Grocery is located at 1513 17th Street NW.
Photo courtesy of Ted’s Bulletin’s Facebook page.
THE LUTHER AT GBD: Can’t decide between salty and sweet? There’s no need to choose with The Luther, a sandwich made in stoner heaven. The dish originally earned a cult following as a secret menu item at Churchkey’s brunch; for the uninitiated, it’s a fried chicken and bacon sandwich piled high on a maple brioche donut bun dotted with buttered pecans. The gutbuster was such a hit among the diners (be they high or just very hungover) that it’s now available all day long at GBD. —Alicia Mazzara
GBD is located at 1323 Connecticut Avenue NW.
SALTY OAT COOKIE AT TEAISM: If you think oatmeal raisin cookies are boring, get ready to have your paradigm (intensely pleasurably!) shifted. This is the ur-cookie, the ideal to which all others aspire. First there’s the top crust—slightly crisp, so it cracks gently under your teeth as they bite in. Then the salt that crowns the cookie hits the tip of your tongue, mingled with the rich sweetness of brown sugar and butter. Ohhhh, so much butter. The oats contribute just the right amount of chewiness, so you have to work a little for each bite. Every so often, you hit a raisin, an extra sweet reward for your effort. While other cookies spread to a flat plain in the oven, the Salty Oat Cookie slopes to a peak at its center—the height of deliciousness, if you will, where you can pack in more buttery crumble than anywhere else on the cookie. Teaism sells them in plain and chocolate versions, either individually or in packs of six, which you just might splurge on after devouring one, blazed or not. —Jenny Holm
Teaism has four locations in D.C. and Virginia.
POP TART AT TED’S BULLETIN: If you’re going to eat a PopTart while high, at least eat a homemade one. No cardboard pastry or shellac-like icing here: Ted’s Bulletin bakes their own pop tarts with homemade fillings, icing, and lots of colorful sprinkles. Choose from classic strawberry, brown sugar and cinnamon, blueberry cheesecake, or peanut butter and bacon. And while you’re at it, one of their milkshakes might not be a bad way to wash it down. —Alicia Mazzara
Ted’s Bulletin has multiple locations in D.C., Maryland, and Virginia.
U STREET TACO: How could we forget the U Street Taco? Well, we did and thanks to Weekly Standard’s Jim Swift for calling us out on that. It’s probably the only D.C.-centric stoned snack on this list. The U Street Taco, an abomination of carbs invented by Washington City Paper, is a half-smoke from Ben’s Chili Bowl wrapped in a jumbo slice. Add mambo sauce to make it a real fucked up stoned treat. — Matt Cohen
WHATEVER UNHOLY SUNDAE YOU CAN CONCOCT AT FROZENYO: With the ability to mix and match an obscene number of questionable flavors and an unlimited toppings bar, the potentially amazing/disgusting possibilities are nearly endless. Find out what happens when you mix birthday cake, apple pie, and salted caramel popcorn frozen yogurt topped with chunks of pound cake, gummy worms, and diced kiwi fruit. Whatever horrifying franken-sundae you create, it’s bound to taste fantastic in the moment. —Alicia Mazzara
FroZenYo has multiple locations in D.C., Maryland, and Virginia.
WHATEVER YOU CONCOCT IN YOUR KITCHEN: They say marijuana inspires creativity. You might not have much food in your kitchen, but, under the influence, you can make do and throw together a creatively tasty snack. Or just a creative snack. Or just…food. Whatever, man. — Matt Cohen
Your kitchen is in your home, presumably.
