Ah, the day when our inbox is filled with exactly four items of real news, which each include an obligatory this-is-not-an-April-Fools-joke sentence, and the rest are groan-inducing “jokes.” Let’s relive that with you, shall we?

The cancelled! emails

These are just the worst. Subject line: X event is cancelled. Open email: Nope, just kidding. Happy April Fools’ Day. Aren’t we hilarious?

Answer: Absolutely not. Why are you wasting my time with this? Minus 1000 for sheer laziness.

From Broccoli City:

The only redeeming factor here is that it reminds us that Jaden “your mind has a duality to it” and Willow “time for me, I can make it go slow or fast” Smith will be in town later this month. Which, of course, is the point. Damnnit.

The topical

Good on you, website or marketer. You’ve done something at least sort of relevant.

From Forge Brew Brew Works: A new direction

The Fairfax brewery sends up the culture of exclusivity and overwrought ingredients by becoming a “pico brewery.”

Sample quote:
Dude: “I’m here to pick up my glass I ordered 5 months ago.”
Brewery: “Oh that’s right. You ordered the imperial double IPA milk stout brewed with pumpkin and clove and then we dry hopped it with, what, citra, mosaic, and galaxy and then aged it for three weeks on the tequila barrels?”

From DC Media Group: DC Police Alerted to Roving Gangs of Children
Remember that one case where the “free-range kids” were picked up walking home from a Silver Spring park alone? It’s an epidemic now! The post is tagged Police Brutality. Really.

Sample quote: “Free range kids often travel in groups and can be observed texting on their cellphones. They often leave a trail of soft-drink bottles or cans and fast-food containers. They also can be identified by bad attitudes.”

From Greater Greater Washington: Nation’s first bicycle HOT lanes planned for Mt. Vernon Trail
An author called “Seymour Rhodes,” references to variable tolls, and digs at rollerbladers—everything you would want from urbanism enthusiasts.

Sample quote: “Toll rates are expected to vary between 25¢/mile and $1.00/mile, which would make the Rosslyn to King Street corridor a competitive alternative to Metro’s Blue Line. As with the I-495 and I-95 Express Lanes, there is no ceiling on the price.”

The nonsensical:

Completely obvious and usually about 1/10th as funny as their creators thought they were.

From Curbed: Giant Alien Cats are Wreaking Havoc in Washington, D.C.
Exactly what the headline promises.

Sample quote: “Two giant alien cats are currently pillaging various seafood restaurants along the Waterfront. According to one report, the cats seem to be more attracted to tuna.”

From Fundrise: Mars Colony Offering

In which the real estate crowdfunding site spent a lot of words making jokes about the red planet.

Sample quote: “At 1/3rd the gravity of Earth, Mars is ideal for individuals with knee and back problems. The buoyant atmosphere is perfect for relaxing getaways, long jogs, and motocross.”

Marijuana

It’s legal now, have ya heard?

From the New Columbia Heights blog: Target to start selling marijuana seeds, paraphernalia
Now that pot possession is legal in D.C., a major national retailer decided to start selling it, against both local and federal law. Right.

Sample quote: “I hope this doesn’t result in huge lines as people bring tons of friends shopping with them, the lines there are bad enough already.”

From the DC Cannabis Coaliton: Join the DC Cannabis Consumers Association
A new membership club that provides free seeds and classes on how to grow pot inside. This actually sounds like it might be useful to some people.

Sample quote: “For the ridiculous price of only $420.00, you can join the District’s newest association.”

The winners

If you must, do it like this.

From Urban Turf: A New Middle Finger: 10-Story Pop-Up Planned For U Street Rowhouse

Via Urban Turf


This was one of the few that actually made us chuckle—probably because you could almost see it really happening. Also, that Photoshop job is great.

Sample quote: “People who have already purchased in our project love two things,” Donacare said. “Living up high and looking down on people.”

From the National Zoo: Sloth cams!


As we said earlier: This is how you do it people: A parody of real life that is short, topical, and vaguely disappointing that it isn’t real.

From the Air and Space Museum: Wonder Woman’s Invisible Jet

This is just adorable.

Sample quote: “As you can see, we have it in the jet formation. Typically they display it in the plane formation. And that was one of the tricks of getting it here, was to get it to shape shift.”

Filed Under: April Fools Day,