There are several factors that can make eating your feelings alone particularly healing: not sharing, getting gloriously messy, an interesting distraction, or a chic ambiance not to be sullied with insipid conversation. Eating your feelings isn’t necessarily a whole-pint-of-ice cream binge, it can be a time to slow down, wallow in your feels, and eat a meal picked for no other reason than you’re going to enjoy it immensely.
Depending on your goals, there are 20 spots in the District ideal for getting in your feelings and eating alone.
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FOR EATING IT ALL
Insisting that your dining companion have the last bite of the most delicious thing on the table is responsible for an estimated 38 percent of subliminal grudges and 64 percent of fake smiles.* How many times have you split a bacon-wrapped fig three ways, thus destroying it, all in the name of sharing? The following restaurants have a dish so tasty you’ll be happy you’re alone.
*I made this up.
2Amys: Sit at the bar—a less-in-demand spot than the highly-coveted tables—and order the burrata. When it comes, silently eat it all. Watch the bartenders and ham people (butchers?) at work. Maybe toss back a tumbler of wine like a wizened old Italian man who has weathered many heartbreaks but still appreciates beauty. Just don’t share the cheese.
Homestead: Order the truffle mac and cheese and ask for the biggest spoon they have. You need to be able to eat the sauce with that spoon like soup; but not with a straw like it’s some kind of warm, cheesy smoothie. Gross. You aren’t a child.
Maketto: Sharing the crispy gruyere dumplings is an act of deep love and compassion that should be avoided when possible. Grab a seat at the bar or take them to go: The second-best thing about fried cheese is its portability.
Brothers and Sisters: Brothers and Sisters has the kind of menu where you want to defy the hip atmosphere of The Line hotel, put your whole face into a dish, and moan, especially the cake menu from pastry chef Pichet Ong. I nearly cut a friend (both out of my life and with the cake knife) for eating the majority of a slice of The London, an earl grey-infused crepe cake, while I was taking mirror selfies in the bathroom. Save yourself the trouble and order a whole piece for yourself.
Radiator: Have it your way with the build-your-own sundae. Do you want to put bacon fat powder and rainbow sprinkles on pistachio sorbet? Go for it. No compromises.
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FOR BEING A MESSY MONGOOSE
Have you ever seen a mongoose take down a cobra? It’s messy, aggressive, and glorious. We don’t get to channel our inner mongeese often because society is a real party pooper. But if you need to work through some aggression, where better to take it out than on a messy meal that fights back? Lock eyes with your prey, not a friend. The following spots are about you and the food.
New Big Wong: The thick dumplings and saucy noodle dishes at this subterranean Chinatown classic cannot be eaten politely, and therefore are best enjoyed solo and shame-free. Spash the soy sauce, drop slippery noodles, apologize to no one, and leave a big tip.
Sakuramen and Pho14: Not to lump these two very different noodle soups together, but the reason they’re an ideal solo dinner is the same: They’re best enjoyed with head-down focus. You need to become the noodle soup. Let it nourish your aching soul. Imagine being in a jacuzzi full of soup. You’re safe here. There’s a community table at Sakuramen, and the kind folks at Pho14 will seat you in a booth even if you’re alone.
Dulcinea Bar and Grill: The nachos at Dulcinea near Howard University are unfussy, classic, and messy. The guac is included, the cheese is molten, and sizzly chorizo sausage is an option. Eating nachos alone is the only way to do it, because not only do you get all the primo bites on top, but it takes so long that you get the bonus joy of the cheese-and-meat-juice-soaked bits of heaven at the bottom of the plate.
El Chucho: Have you ever made eye contact while housing a burrito? This in and of itself is a sign of aggression, but it’s often misguided. You aren’t mad at your dining companion, you’re just mad. Work it out with a pork belly burrito.
Meats and Foods: Sometimes you need to wistfully look out of a window while eating a sausage, contemplating life’s inhumanities. Another food best eaten with minimal eye contact, the messy sausage sandwiches and chili are ideal for sitting at the counter solo.
Keren: The best purveyor of Eritrean food in the city is known for its grisly wait times and lines out the door, but, if you’re a slippery solo diner, you can snag a seat at the bar and be wrist-deep in lentils in minutes. Let the injera absorb your woes and sop up your worries. You’ll definitely leave with enough food for another meal that you also don’t have to share.
Aladdin’s Kitchen: When not clogged with drunk youths, Aladdin’s Kitchen near Adams Morgan is the perfect place to sit at a table with a seemingly endless supply of napkins and take down a gyro with the fiery passion of a thousand suns.The lighting is harsh, but so is life. The rotisserie lamb and beef gyro meat hand-sliced to order combined with the homemade white sauce will bring tears to your eyes, assuming you aren’t already crying.
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FOR BLESSED DISTRACTION
Sometimes distraction is the best way to cope with emotions. Put your brain on autopilot and enjoy dinner and a show without worrying about anyone else at these four venues.
A Baked Joint: Thursday night is movie night at A Baked Joint, where you can order a thick, Sicilian style pizza, cozy up on a couch, and watch a movie on the projector. It’s like ordering a pizza and and watching a movie in bed, but less tragic!
Al Volo Trattoria and Bar: Sit at the bar at the Cleveland Park iteration of Al Volo and get whisked away by old Italian movies on the TVs above. You’ll be distracted by the subtitles, high on focaccia, and full of burrata ravioli in no time. If you look sad enough, the bartender might give you a limoncello on the house.
Izakaya Seki: Sit at the counter of Izakaya Seki and get lost in the elegant movements of chef Hiroshi Seki. Contemplate leaving it all behind to train in sushi-making in Japan. Acknowledge that won’t solve anything. End up indulging in the carefully curated sake selections instead. Avoid visiting on Tuesdays, which are counter service only, and thus a much tougher day to secure a spot.
DC Improv Comedy Club: Hear me out: Where else can you find a surprisingly varied menu that includes both a perfectly adequate ahi tuna salad and a nuanced fettuccine jambalaya, a palatable glass of wine that’s less than $10, AND a chuckle? The Improv has that market cornered: Iit’s the perfect place to eat chicken fingers in semi-darkness and laugh off whatever’s weighing you down. The first evening show in the main showroom features the full menu, with a late-night menu for later shows.
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FOR FEELING LIKE A TOUGH OLD BROAD WHO DOESN’T GIVE A RIP
Sometimes, an elegant atmosphere is just what you need to elevate your mood and remind you how tough you are. You’re Meryl. You’re Judi. You’re Aretha. You’re Queen Elizabeth II. Sorry guys, you don’t have many good examples of this kind of attitude; just pick your favorite grande dame and evoke the power of a public smolder until you feel better. These three options will lift you out of your funk by sheer force of ambiance (and also carbs):
Le Diplomate: Sit at the gleaming bar, gaze on the French accoutrements on the wall, and order Champagne to go with your burger and fries, a combination so delightful you’ll forget whatever you’re feeling. If a too-friendly stranger encroaches upon your peace and quiet, tell them, “je ne parle pas l’anglais.”
La Jambe: The small cafe tables in the window at this cozy, romantic Shaw wine bar are just big enough for ordering enough meat and cheese for two … for one. Life can be full of nasty surprises, but here the only surprise will be the chef’s daily selection of charcuterie.
Primrose: The French onion soup at Primrose is like a lingering hug. Ask for extra bread and enjoy every last drop, crumb, and bit of gruyere. The ostrich feather chandeliers won’t judge; they understand.
