Welcome to the worst day of the year to be a journalist: April Fools, when straight up lying to your audience is called a “prank,” and we’re all supposed to laugh. But it’s bad! Just ask the poor ole National Museum of American History, which tried to warn people that it would close early today, and is now responding to people in its Twitter mentions with this over and over again:

Alas, this isn't an April Fools joke. The museum will be closing at 3 p.m. today. We are very sorry for any inconvenience.
We recommend you visit one of the fabulous other @smithsonian museums instead, which will be open during their regular operating hours.

— National Museum of American History (@amhistorymuseum) April 1, 2019

Of course, the Governor of Maryland, a Cleveland Park pool hall, and a bevy of other locals thought it would be just hilarious to take part in the misanthropic mischief of April 1. We’ve compiled and ranked each of these shenanigans on a scale of zero to five chuckles.

Governor Larry Hogan

What’s the prank?: A press release from Hogan’s office states that “In Earth-Shattering Turn of Events, Assembly Passes Hogan Redistricting Legislation.” The reader’s first hint that what follows is a joke is that the contact for more information is the “Department of Wit and Hilarity.” The release goes on to say that the Maryland General Assembly passed the governor’s redistricting legislation (judges have declared that the current congressional map in the Old Line State is so warped by partisanship that it is illegal).

How many chuckles?: Zero. The bottom of the release declares that “The headline and what follows are satire, but this issue is just the opposite.” I would argue that fan fiction in the form of wish fulfillment is not satire, and it did not elicit a single guffaw. Next.

D.C. Council

What’s the prank?: A fake release on social media claims that “Council Deploys Pro-Statehood Nuclear Option,” which apparently means blasting a modified version of the earworm “Baby Shark” (with the lyrics “Baby State”) in front of the Capitol and White House from armored cars until lawmakers agree to grant D.C. statehood. “Statehood was expected to be approved by sunset,” per the ersatz announcement. It’s no big surprise that Josh Gibson, the man behind D.C. Council’s zany social media accounts, took the opportunity of April Fools Day to draw attention to the District’s plight of disenfranchisement—he’s done the same on Groundhog Day and with Hamilton—but is that enough to make us laugh?

How many chuckles?: Zero. Nope, not even the fake Chairman Phil Mendelson quote (“So, to echo but totally contradict former first lady Michelle Obama, when they go low, we go ‘Doo doo, doo doo doo doo”) got a smile out of us. Better luck on Palm Sunday!

730 DC

What’s the prank?: The entirety of the daily local newsletter’s content was lie after lie today, from claims that scandal-plagued Councilmember Jack Evans has resigned to news that Takoma Park lowered its voting age to 3.

How many chuckles?: Zero. Some of the bullet points were funny (a pop-up bar themed around pop-up ads, for instance), but the idea that a bunch of groggy readers who didn’t click through the links now believe a bunch of misinformation is less so.

Atomic Billiards

What’s the prank?: The Cleveland Park pool hall announced it would expand its basement locale with a lovely-looking rooftop bar called the “Atomic Launch Pad.” This is not actually happening.

How many chuckles?: Zero. I went to Atomic Billiards for the first time on Friday, and I was THRILLED by the idea of a forthcoming roof bar. Now I’m just left feeling disappointed.

Ivy and Coney

What’s the prank?: The Chicago-loving dive said over Twitter today that it was “sold to a really nice couple from Philly. We’re not sure how long it’ll be closed, but they’re going to be doing some renovation featuring their team (Phillies).” Then, while acknowledging that the there was no couple from Philly, the bar is “just changing the bar to Malort only. No beer, no liquor. Just Malort.” Totally, dude.

How many chuckles?: Zero. This wound is still too raw.

Greater Greater Washington

What’s the prank?: The article “The educational admissions scandal widens dramatically” describes the system of using residents’ property taxes to fund school districts, and the inequities that occur, through the lens of the ongoing college admissions bribery case. “The details of the mailing-address system are complex and relate to systems often criticized by advocates, where complex laws dictate a precise and convoluted geographic zone where this address-modification scheme is permissible,” the article reads. “These agents, also often known as Realtors, had become quite brazen in their promotion of the racket. Some advertised their power to provide this exclusive school access through mailers and online ads. To lure families into participating, they would sometimes use Photoshop or physical furniture to stage images of homes.”

How many chuckles?: Zero. “Had me going for a bit,” one commenter wrote below. “I will be glad when this day is over.” You and me both, buddy.

New Columbia Heights

What’s the prank? This hyperlocal blog, helmed by DCist contributor Andrew Wiseman, is going all in on a digital currency bit. Headlines include “Blockchain store opening on 11th Street,” “Wonderland now accepting only Bitcoin,” and “11th and Park dog park to be replaced by Bitcoin mining company.” “Lots of technology news today in the area,” one post says. Yeah, either that or someone isn’t quite being honest.

How many chuckles? Zero. I would laugh with relief if one of these posts explained blockchain, but no such luck.

Philippa Hughes

What’s the prank?: The self-described “social sculptor” and arts scenester announced this morning on Facebook that she was taking a new job with Democratic presidential hopeful Pete Buttigieg as his “Chief Creative Conversationalist and Director of Arts and Culture, Community Outreach and Civic Engagement for Pete For America,” which means she’ll “be organizing street art campaigns, warehouse parties, and art+civil discourse events in cities across America.”

How many chuckles?: Zero. I genuinely believed this one was true for hours.

ZogSports

What’s the prank?: The social sports league said it was starting a “Dog Sports” league for canine athletes, replete with “woofle ball,” “outdog soccer,” “barksketball,” and more.

How many chuckles?: Zero. Barksketball? C’mon. Props for asking people to submit cute photos of their doggos, though.

Petworth News

What’s the prank?: The neighborhood news site claims that President Lincoln’s Cottage will become an AirBnB rental in a post that includes a series of photos and quotes from the folks at the historic locale. “If you’re renting out your basement as an AirBnB, now you have real competition!” it says. Only at the very bottom does the disclaimer emerge: “Happy April Fool’s Day from Petworth News and President Lincoln’s Cottage! They’re great sports for agreeing to be satirized for the prank day.”

How many chuckles?: Zero. Petworth News has made April Fools Day posts a bit of an annual tradition, but some traditions deserve to end.