Welcome back to Overheard in D.C., DCist’s weekly column of funny, strange, and poignant things that our readers and staff overhear and send in. We’ve been doing it since 2006. Check out the archives here.

We can’t have Overheard in D.C. without your submissions! Email your Overheards to overheard(at)dcist[dot]com and don’t forget to include who was talking, to whom, and in what context. 

You might notice we have fewer overheards than normal. We’re taking that as a sign that folks are staying home and socially distant—good job! But as a result, we are now taking submissions for eavesdropping on video conferencing calls and all of the other newfangled ways we’re staying in touch.

Overheard of the Week

On a suggested but “not mandatory” office Zoom call, a speaker opens the meeting with a relaxation breathing exercise

Speaker: “Everyone make sure your video is on so I can see your auras! Now raise your arms to the heavens! Oh no, I almost hit Ethel, one of my guardian angels, she’s a whole different story!”

—

Sliiiiiide (six feet) to the left

A 30-something couple walks through their apartment hallway coming back from the grocery store 

Woman, unlocking her door: “Now freeze! Eve-ry bo-dy wash your hands!”

—

A bit rusty, eh? 

In Jesup Blair Park in Silver Spring, three men playing golf

One man after his ball hits a tree: “Damn.”

—

They say comparison is the thief of joy… 

On Capitol Hill, a woman walks down the street talking on the phone

“So … All of my friends in Albany have careers and they’re still popping out kids.”

—

The glory days 

On a neighborhood listserv, two people discussing last weekend’s Blue Angels and Thunderbirds flyover 

Person A:  “Did anyone hear the flyover?”
Person B:  “I heard it and … it wasn’t the loudest thing in the world—that would be George Thorogood and The Destroyers.”

—

But I want the squeeze-pouch apple sauce! 

In Rock Creek Park, a pandemic-stressed father speaks to a child asking for a snack in the attached bike-trailer 

“The first rule of riding in the Burley is no whining in the Burley.”

—

Did they stop making scissors?

On Facebook, one of those friend of a friend’s posts

“I cannot believe that salons are opening!!! Is your hair stylist going to shampoo your hair with a garden hose, blow dry with a leaf blower and comb with a rake??! All the while wearing a mask which fogs up her protective glasses???”