Welcome back to Overheard in D.C., DCist’s weekly column of funny, strange, and poignant things that our readers and staff overhear and send in. We’ve been doing it since 2006. Check out the archives here.

We can’t have Overheard in D.C. without your submissions! Email your Overheards to overheard(at)dcist[dot]com and don’t forget to include who was talking, to whom, and in what context. 

You might notice we have fewer overheards than normal. We’re taking that as a sign that folks are staying home and socially distant—good job! But as a result, we are now taking submissions for eavesdropping on video conferencing calls and all of the other newfangled ways we’re staying in touch.

Overheard of the Week

A couple walking near the National Mall:

Man: “Watching the way some people wear face masks makes me understand why condoms aren’t that effective.”

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Did Tinder launch a subscription box service?

A woman in her early 30s talking on the phone in Meridian Hill Park: 

“I cancelled my dick order tonight because I got Botox and I just haven’t been sleeping.”

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TLC is really scraping the bottom of the barrel

Overheard during the few minutes before a conference call started:

Guy 1: “It’s just like that show Pickers, only with beavers.”
Guy 2: “I just…can’t imagine that.”

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Disappointment, 2020 style 

A 3-year-old riding on the back of his dad’s bike as they cross 12th and K, still blocked from protests: 

Son: “Ice cream truck!”
Dad: “That’s not an ice cream truck, that’s an army truck.”

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August 18, 2017: Parents just trying to keep up

Near Trader Joe’s in Rockville around 5 p.m.: 

Mother: “Whatever happened to Pokémon Go?”
Teenage daughter: “It Pokémon went.”

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September 14, 2018: D.C. bus drivers are the best

On the N4 bus, after the bus turns too wide in an intersection and has to reverse:

Bus: *Beeping*
A little girl, about 4: “What’s wrong with this bus?!”
Bus driver: “Me driving it!”

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June 21, 2019: Sometimes you have to be a saint to be a rideshare driver

Early 20s guy on the phone with his Uber driver after the Dupont Pride parade:

“I’m right by all the rainbow flags.”