Welcome back to Overheard in D.C., DCist’s weekly column of funny, strange, and poignant things that our readers and staff overhear and send in. We’ve been doing it since 2006. Check out the archives here.

We can’t have Overheard in D.C. without your submissions! Email your Overheards to overheard(at)dcist[dot]com and don’t forget to include who was talking, to whom, and in what context.

You might notice we have fewer overheards than normal. We’re taking that as a sign that folks are staying home and socially distant—good job! But as a result, we are now taking submissions for eavesdropping on video conferencing calls and all of the other newfangled ways we’re staying in touch.

Overheard of the Week

Thirty-something couple in Target at the self checkout:

Checkout station: “Thank you for shopping at Target.”
Woman: “You’re welcome.”
Man: “Did you just say ‘you’re welcome’ to the scanner?”
Woman: “Yes. When the machines take over I want them to know I was always polite to them.”
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The new normal

A server at Martin’s Tavern greeting two customers:

“Can I get one of your names and number for contact tracing?”

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It contains multitudes

A woman moving a couch into a Shaw row house with help from her brother:

Brother: “There’s like a bed underneath it.”
Sister: “I know, it’s like a futon.”
Brother: “Well, OK, I don’t know what that means.”

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Not a turtle person

A woman talking to a group of friends at Kenilworth Park and Aquatic Gardens:

“I used to live in Brooklyn, N.Y., and there was a pond there filled with turtles, hundreds of turtles. Those turtles were so gross.”

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Straight facts

A woman talking to a young child on a toy bike in Southeast:

“Well, lions are real.”

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Risk management

A woman at Little Pearl talking to her friend about a man she met online:

“He asked me to meet him for a drink, but you’re the only person I trust being this close to without a mask. I mean, who knows what kind of non-distancing, maskless floozies he’s been hanging around with!”

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Aug. 3, 2018: That’s not how that works

In Adams Morgan Safeway, 5:30 p.m. on Friday evening. Man in checkout line is buying only a package of paper lunch bags:

Checkout guy: “Do you want your receipt?”
Man checking out: “No man, trying to save the trees, you know?”

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June 14, 2019: Interns, making the gears of government run

In a Senate elevator:

One intern to another. “Do you think anyone noticed I fell asleep?”

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As always, we rely on you to overhear the good stuff and send it our way. Make sure to tell us who was speaking to whom and in what context.