Welcome back to Overheard in D.C., DCist’s weekly column of funny, strange, and poignant things that our readers and staff overhear and send in. We’ve been doing it since 2006. Check out the archives here.

We can’t have Overheard in D.C. without your submissions! Email your Overheards to overheard(at)dcist[dot]com and don’t forget to include who was talking, to whom, and in what context. 

You might notice we have fewer overheards than normal. We’re taking that as a sign that folks are staying home and socially distant — good job! But as a result, we are now taking submissions for eavesdropping on video conferencing calls and all of the other newfangled ways we’re staying in touch.

Overheard of the Week: 

Overheard near the cheetah conservation station at the National Zoo 

“I wonder if there’s an OnlyFans but for people with hairy feet.”

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Over the nose or I walk 

A mother is with her young son at Tregaron Conservancy 

“Max, I’m not negotiating. Put your mask on!”

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Ahhh the thrill of it all 

On the G8 bus during a Before Times morning commute, two 20-something women are talking

“I only had 3% of my battery left so I didn’t call an Uber. I probably could have, you know, but 3% when you’re drunk is literally like the end of your life.”

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Props for the self-awareness

Three guys are hanging on the grass at the Arboretum 

“All men do is eat and lie.”

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No props for this 

A man marching at the Women’s March poses with others for a photo 

“Does this sign make my butt look good?”

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Only missing the Patagonia windbreaker 

Woman and man in their 20’s are biking up 4th Street in Eckington

Woman to man: “I have a Hydroflask with the REI logo on it, so I am basically outdoorsy.”

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Do kids really say these things? 

An Arlington County teacher talking to 1st graders over Zoom

Teacher: “Hmm. I don’t know why you all haven’t received my class packets in the mail yet.”
1st Grade student 1: “Maybe a dinosaur ate them.”
1st Grade student 2: “No, the president is slowing down the mail so voters can’t vote.”

(Same) 1st grader is trying to tie her shoe and gets frustrated with the laces. She throws up her arms and exclaims:

“IF ONLY TRUMP PAID MORE THAN $150 DOLLARS IN TAXES!”

Walks away shoes still untied.

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As always, we rely on you to overhear the good stuff and send it our way. Make sure to tell us who was speaking to whom and in what context.