Welcome back to Overheard in D.C., DCist’s weekly column of funny, strange, and poignant things that our readers and staff overhear and send in. We’ve been doing it since 2006. Check out the archives here.

We can’t have Overheard in D.C. without your submissions! Email your Overheards to overheard(at)dcist[dot]com and don’t forget to include who was talking, to whom, and in what context. 

You might notice we have fewer overheards than normal. We’re taking that as a sign that folks are staying home and socially distant — good job! But as a result, we are now taking submissions for eavesdropping on video conferencing calls and all of the other newfangled ways we’re staying in touch.

Overheard of the Week:

A guy is talking on his cell phone while walking in Rock Creek Park:

“No, that’s nature… I’m taking a fucking walk in nature. I know, right?”

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Leave him, sis

Two people talking on the National Mall on Thursday morning:

“I really want to sleep with him but he robbed me so I probably shouldn’t.”

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*Enraged sigh*

A woman speaking loudly on the phone in the crowded cereal aisle at Streets Market in Adams Morgan:

“I’m actually going out way less than I was before! Because I was, like, going out A LOT.”
One minute later, one aisle over, same woman: “Yeah, I’ve got a fever.”

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The gains come first

An investment banker-type at the LA Fitness on Connecticut Ave. answers the phone on his AirPods:

“This better be good. You’re cutting into my gym time.”

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When snow finally falls in D.C.

A couple walks past the tennis court on 18th Street in Adams Morgan after the first snowfall:

Man: “One pee and that court is ruined.”

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July 24, 2020: Is that what Google Maps told you?

20-something woman talking on the phone at the 13th & H Street farmer’s market:

“I live on H Street, so I’m like literally five minutes from the city.”

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February 22, 2019: Extreme parenting

Two men in their 30s are talking at the Capitol Lounge:

Man 1: “How are your kids so open with you?”
Man 2: “Oh, we managed to curb any sneakiness years ago by telling them that secrets were what killed Mufasa.”

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October 20, 2017: Honestly, that’s fair

A family with several children arrives to The Wharf on a Saturday evening:

Young boy: “This is the best place I’ve ever been to, other than WWE.”