Welcome back to Overheard in D.C., DCist’s weekly column of funny, strange, and poignant things that our readers and staff overhear and send in. We’ve been doing it since 2006. Check out the archives here.

We can’t have Overheard in D.C. without your submissions! Email your Overheards to overheard(at)dcist[dot]com and don’t forget to include who was talking, to whom, and in what context. 

You might notice we have fewer overheards than normal. We’re taking that as a sign that folks are staying home and socially distant — good job! But as a result, we are now taking submissions for eavesdropping on video conferencing calls and all of the other newfangled ways we’re staying in touch.

Overheard of the Week: 

Two 30-somethings are having a drink in Dupont Circle:

Girl: “Woah, hold up, somebody died!”
Guy: “What? Who?”
*long pause, Girl reads phone*
Girl: “Oh, it’s nothing. Just G. Gordon Liddy. He’s a son-of-a-bitch but the way my phone blew up I thought it was somebody meaningful. Got my hopes up Alito had croaked and this day might be salvaged after all.”
Guy: “Totally.” …long pause… “Wait, didn’t you put your dog to sleep this morning?”

—

Problem solving is such an important skill 

Three guys are brunching at Sette Osteria in Dupont. They’re talking about Stanley Tucci’s “Searching for Italy” on CNN,  and getting increasingly louder:

Guy 1: “It makes me miss everything: travel, people, FOOD…”
Guy 2: “DO NOT WATCH IT WHEN YOU’RE HUNGRY”
Guy 1: “DEFINITELY don’t watch it when you’re hungry. Why did we ever start talking about this before we ate?”
Guy 2: “I don’t know, now I just want EVERYTHING. Is this place bottomless?”
Guy 3: “Whoa, you guys. We should order.”

—

Perfect bedtime routine  

A group of 30 and 40 something men are discussing the new Lil Nas X song over drinks in in Malcolm X park: 

One man: “I don’t make TikToks, I just watch them for 45 minutes a night.”

—

Let it out

Overheard inside a DC home:

“I’m so sick of all these $&*% Zoom &$%*# calls.”
*A few minutes later*
“How many buttons do I have to click to be let in to this stupid call?!”

—

Not everyone can be photogenic

A late-20s woman is taking dramatic portraits of her family in front of Ivy City Smokehouse: 

Mom to child: “Girl, you are so cute, I don’t even want your father.”

—

June 19, 2020: Using protection 

A couple walking near the National Mall:

Man: “Watching the way some people wear face masks makes me understand why condoms aren’t that effective.”

—

Aug. 18, 2017: Appropriate reaction

Two early 20-somethings are walking on K Street. They look to be interns. Intern 1 is wearing a full khaki suit with no tie and Intern 2 is wearing a nice button down shirt tucked in, with loafers and no socks… and shorts.

Intern 2: “Nah, it’s alright man. They’re dress shorts.”
Intern 1 looks at him in stunned disbelief.

—