Welcome back to Overheard in D.C., DCist’s weekly column of funny, strange, and poignant things that our readers and staff overhear and send in. We’ve been doing it since 2006. Check out the archives here.

We can’t have Overheard in D.C. without your submissions! Email your Overheards to overheard(at)dcist[dot]com and don’t forget to include who was talking, to whom, and in what context. 

You might notice we have fewer overheards than normal. We’re taking that as a sign that folks are staying home and socially distant — good job! But as a result, we are now taking submissions for eavesdropping on video conferencing calls and all of the other newfangled ways we’re staying in touch.

Overheard of the week:

A woman is yelling at another woman on the Metro: 

“Stop suckin’ dick and read the Bible!”

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“Dans Cafe-ing”

A group of friends is eating dinner at the Wharf: 

Girl 1: “I found strawberry flavored lube in my parents’ bathroom once.”
Girl 2: “Flavored? Or scented? I thought that only described the smell!”
Guy: “Wait, you can eat lube?”
Girl 1: “Well I wouldn’t recommend Dan’s Cafe-ing the lube but yes you can swallow it.”

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Ideally yes 

Overheard in Target:

Woman on the phone: “Damn is everyone in therapy now?!”

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Alternatively: public transportation and bicycles

Overheard in Brookland: 

Person 1: “Do you need a car in D.C.?”
Person 2: “It depends, who would you rather give your rent money to, Uber or Parkmobile?”

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Who’s going to tell her…

A group of young women are walking around Shaw admiring the architecture and discussing mutual acquaintances, a husband and wife, who are apparently in the market for a house: 

Woman: “They’re looking to buy a house. She wants three things: she wants to live in Mount Pleasant, near Rock Creek Park, and she’s not willing to spend more than $200,000.”

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We’re always listening 

Three friends are talking in the line for Mt. Desert Island Ice Cream,: 

Friend 1: “I’m gonna inject coffee into my veins, definitely.”
Friend 2: “You better stop saying this stuff out loud before you end up on DCist’s overheard.”

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Yikes

Overheard on a Chevy Chase listserv, in response to debates about parking versus bicycle lanes on Connecticut Ave. NW: 

“Upon reading comments here, it seems to me that seniors think they own this neighborhood. Like it or not, as time passes, the neighborhood will eventually be owned by Millennials and even younger generations.”

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Well, does he?  

A dad and his young son are walking in Eastern Market:

Dad to son: “Do I think coach Tony takes baths?”

—

That’s a disappointment

A group of women are discussing horror movies in the locker room after a water aerobics class in Montgomery County:

Woman with (unnaturally) red hair: “I’ve never had a sexy vampire fly into my house…[long pause] I’ve had a sparrow, though.”