Welcome back to Overheard in D.C., DCist’s weekly column of funny, strange, and poignant things that our readers and staff overhear and send in. We’ve been doing it since 2006. Check out the archives here.

We can’t have Overheard in D.C. without your submissions! Email your Overheards to overheard(at)dcist[dot]com and don’t forget to include who was talking, to whom, and in what context. 

You might notice we have fewer overheards than normal. We’re taking that as a sign that folks are staying home and socially distant — good job! But as a result, we are now taking submissions for eavesdropping on video conferencing calls and all of the other newfangled ways we’re staying in touch.

Overheard of the Week: 

Five young students, maybe in fifth or sixth grade, are walking in Chevy Chase around lunchtime:

Boy to group, emphatically: “Why does everyone have to have a boyfriend or girlfriend? Why does everyone have to date?”

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Bring back bartering 

A man talking to a another person at a CVS in Silver Spring:

Man: “I feel like I owe you at least a Bagel Bites … I feel like that’s a thing.”

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That’s their prerogative

A young couple is looking at front porch welcome mats in the Columbia Heights Marshalls:

“Don’t get any mats that have ‘welcome’ on them. I don’t want anyone to feel welcome in my house.”

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Don’t make me turn this walk around 

Two dog owners on 15th and S Street NW on Friday evening. The dogs have gotten into a loud and protracted fight:

Woman, to her dog: “This isn’t necessary!”
Man, to his dog: “HEY! WE ARE IN PUBLIC!”

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Ask yourself if it sparks joy

A 50-something man is at happy hour in Clarendon ordering from the waitress:

“I’ll have the cheeseboard, but I only want the cheese, not any of that other stuff that comes with it.”

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June 19, 2020: Using protection

A couple is walking near the National Mall:

Man: “Watching the way some people wear face masks makes me understand why condoms aren’t that effective.”

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Aug. 3, 2018: You’re not alone

A young woman is walking with a friend towards U Street:

She turns and says ominously: “Every time I’m here I do something dumb…”

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As always, we rely on you to overheard the good stuff and send it our way. Make sure to tell us who was speaking to whom and in what context.