Welcome back to Overheard in D.C., DCist’s weekly column of funny, strange, and poignant things that our readers and staff overhear and send in. We’ve been doing it since 2006. Check out the archives here.

We can’t have Overheard in D.C. without your submissions! Email your Overheards to overheard(at)dcist[dot]com and don’t forget to include who was talking, to whom, and in what context. 

Given the state of the world after more than a year of a pandemic, we are now taking submissions for eavesdropping on video conferencing calls and all of the other newfangled ways we’re staying in touch.

Overheard of the Week

At the sold-out Bleachers concert at The Anthem, a drunk woman turns to the stranger next to her, Truly in hand, and loudly explains through her mask:

“I’m here alone! My Tinder date stood me up! He was this Amazon bro and invited me to this concert but then messaged me today and says he’s not feeling it and didn’t want me to come! But joke’s on him because he already sent me a screenshot of the ticket – so here I am!”

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A threat to public safety

A car is trying to park illegally on 18th Street on a Saturday night:

In a police van immediately behind the car, driver over the loudspeaker: “You’re attempting to park in police parking, please move.”

[Car starts to back up]

“Do not hit my car!”

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Honestly, anything is possible in Adams Morgan

Saturday afternoon outside of Tiki on 18th:

“Did you just see someone walk by in a chicken outfit?”

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They’re making good points

A group of American University students are discussing a survey they’ve been assigned to respond to for a class.

Student, pensively: “Hmm … but imagine getting murdered?”
[pause for reflection]
Same student: “Low key, though … I’d rather get murdered than, like, die embarrassingly — you know?”

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Welcome to growing older, kid

A family enjoys a newly minted 4-year-old’s birthday dinner at the Takoma streatery:

Mom to the child: “You look like you had a really good birthday! You’re so tuckered out!”
Older sibling to the child: “You look like you slept wrong.”

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… Excuse me?

A tall, (attractive) late 40-ish guy in a suit talking on his phone outside an Adams Morgan liquor store during a rainstorm:

“The end result always was that he was going to be murdered in prison.”

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The future is bright (and tangy)

In a line for a bakery stand at the H Street Corridor Farmers Market:

Parents of a six- or seven-year-old child: “Good ahead honey, ask her!”
Child to baker: “Do you have anything fermented?”

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That’s not how any of this works

A girl to a group of friends outside of Jyoti Indian Cuisine on Saturday night:

“Oh my God, I need to be gay for a weekend.”

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Has toxic masculinity gone too far?

At a bus stop in Courthouse:

Person talking to nobody in particular: “Real men don’t wear bicycle helmets … We prefer to get brain damage.”

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Background reading

Overheard in Alexandria:

“Shakira is *so* the MILF. After she pays her taxes, of course.”

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As always, we rely on you to overhear the good stuff and send it our way. Make sure to tell us who was speaking to whom and in what context.