Welcome back to Overheard in D.C., DCist’s weekly column of funny, strange, and poignant things that our readers and staff overhear and send in. We’ve been doing it since 2006. Check out the archives here.

We can’t have Overheard in D.C. without your submissions! Email your Overheards to overheard(at)dcist[dot]com and don’t forget to include who was talking, to whom, and in what context. 

Given the state of the world after more than a year of a pandemic, we are now taking submissions for eavesdropping on video conferencing calls and all of the other newfangled ways we’re staying in touch. 

Overheard of the Week: 

A man is on the phone in Lincoln Park: 

“He was like, ‘why don’t you have more fitness models there?’ I told him it’s called Hollywood for Ugly People for a REASON! Please queen!”

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Plan B

At the Redeye Night Market, a 20-something couple is waiting in a very long line to get food and looking at the woman’s phone:

Man: “We are not going to Shake Shack.”

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Rough night all around

At the Redeye Night Market, a woman in her late 20s is distributing wristbands for alcohol. She lets out a loud sigh: 

Woman: “Death.”

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Evergreen

Two young women are entering an apartment building on 14th and V: 

“Girl, today was confirmation I need to get on my shit.”

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You know what happens when you assume

A pair of friends were sitting at Ambar in Clarendon on a weeknight. Woman 1 is complaining about her boyfriend moving stuff in to her home:

Woman 2: “You gave him a key?”
Woman 1: “I didn’t expect him to move in!”
Woman 2: “You gave him a key.”

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I’m starting to think some of these are made up…

A tipsy couple is being happy about being newly engaged in Adams Morgan: 

Him: “I’m so excited to make joint donations to abortion funds with you instead of us donating independently!”

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Something’s not adding up

On a weeknight at Queen’s English in Columbia Heights, a woman probably in her 50s went up to the kitchen to compliment the staff:

Cook: “Where are you visiting from?”
Woman: “We live in Northwest, so we don’t make it out here often.”
Cook: “Well this is Northwest, you know.”
Woman: “What?”
Cook: “Yeah. Columbia Heights — it’s in Northwest.”

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Uh, where are you from?

Two middle aged couples are talking to each other in Cathedral Heights:

Man 1: “Pickleball … that’s a murderous sport where I’m from.”

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Looks like it’s out of her hands

Two college-aged people walking in NoMa on a weekday afternoon:

Woman, excitedly: “I’ve been sober for a whole day, I’m going to see how long I can do it!”
Man: “You don’t have classes tomorrow.”
Woman: “Well, shit.”

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Capitalism!

Overheard in a Frederick, Maryland office building: 

Manager at 10:30: “Why is your production so low this morning?”
Employee: “I took a huge dump.”
Manager: “You can’t shit at home?”

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Too soon

Patron at La Jambe wearing a Don’t Tread on Me hat, flashing his police badge, and loudly talking about being from New York:

Patron: “I’ll have an old fashioned and don’t skimp.”
Bartender, whispering to adjacent patrons: “Yeah, that guy definitely stormed the Capitol.”

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This also explains the cargo shorts in the snow phenomenon

Overheard on the X2: 

Man: “You wouldn’t believe the shit men are emasculated by. Umbrellas? That’s a big one.”

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That’s one way to do it

At Teaism north of Dupont Circle, a woman with a toddler and a baby is waiting in line for the bathroom. The toddler is fiddling with the ceramic pottery on display for sale: 

Woman, turning to toddler: “Don’t touch. If it breaks you’ll have to live here forever and work for them.”

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As always, we rely on you to overhear the good stuff and send it our way. Make sure to tell us who was speaking to whom and in what context.