Welcome back to Overheard in D.C., DCist’s weekly column of funny, strange, and poignant things that our readers and staff overhear and send in. We’ve been doing it since 2006. Check out the archives here.

We can’t have Overheard in D.C. without your submissions! Email your Overheards to overheard(at)dcist[dot]com and don’t forget to include who was talking, to whom, and in what context. 

Given the state of the world in a pandemic, we are now taking submissions for eavesdropping on video conferencing calls and all of the other newfangled ways we’re staying in touch. 

Overheard of the Week: 

Overheard at DCA: 

A young kid, about 6: “It is my mission. My mission is to annoy mommy as much as possible.”

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That’s what YOU think, mom

At the national Christmas tree, a mother consoled her visibly distraught son, who was pointing at the tree: 

Mom: “Because it wouldn’t fit in our house—that’s why we can’t buy it.”

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More than co-workers, me thinks

In the “smoking court” outside a Fairfax office building, mid-morning break time, two co-workers are smoking: 

Man (30s, divorced): “When I’m not going to have my kids for a holiday, we celebrate it the week before, big time.”
Woman (40s, a co-worker): “Lucky kids, they get to have a fun Christmas with their cool dad a week before they have a dull Christmas with their mean mom and her whore sister.”

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Equally as helpful as Capital Weather Gang’s snow predictions

Overheard at Enchant Christmas: 

Woman, singing to the tune of “Let It Snow”: “Oh the weather outside is weather.”

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Pot, kettle

A twenty-something wearing an Après-ski outfit and walking her dog on New Jersey Ave hops into the street’s one-way bike lane without looking, and is barely missed by a cyclist going 20 mph:

Cyclist: “Watch out!”
Après-skier: “What a classic white Karen bitch.”

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Have we considered that the call may be coming from inside the house

Three late-20s guys are sitting outside of Penn Quarter Sports Tavern:

“When you’ve been on the apps long enough, you just take what you can get.”

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Jumpsuits, the perennial bathroom struggle

Two women chatting in the women’s bathroom at Union Market:

Woman 1: “Oh my god!”
Woman 2: “What happened?”
Woman 1: “I just realized I’m wearing a sweater over a jumpsuit!”

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If you don’t have anything nice to say…

Late 40s guy running down 16th Street is stopped at a crosswalk near the Hay-Adams Hotel on a Sunday afternoon: 

Woman in her 70s, walking up behind: “Looks like you’ll need a lot more time to run that off.”

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Absolutely devastating

At Lulu’s Wine Garden on U Street, among a group of people who had previously been discussing crypto:

Woman: “There was something I really wanted at Louis Vuitton, but they didn’t have it in store. Why don’t they understand supply and demand?”

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NSFW (but true)

New moms’ group gathering outside for coffee at Eastern Market:

Mom 1: “My doctor cleared me for sex.”
Mom 2: “If you just watch Bridgerton, it will get you going…”

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That might be hard to wrap

A couple in their 30s is browsing the vendors at the Downtown Holiday Market: 

Her: “Oh! We should get something for Rose!”
Him: “Can we get her a better personality?”

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Obligatory Columbia Heights Target overheard

Early 30s gay man buying makeup to go out in drag that night, on the phone with a female friend:

“Honey you go out in drag every day….. It’s fucking hard to be a woman…with all the makeup and shaving all the crevices of my body.”

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As always, we rely on you to overhear the good stuff and send it our way. Make sure to tell us who was speaking to whom and in what context.