Hello, dear readers. September flew by, and we’re finally approaching scary, spooky, skeleton season. Halloween will soon be here, and I’m ready with my rain-soaked, D.C. Beyonce Renaissance Tour costume. Meanwhile you’ll be losing costume contests and racking up cavities devouring candy — hopefully the horror movie marathons will get you through. So strap in with your favorite agent of chaos. You’re going to get more tricks than treats.

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LIBRA (September 22—October 21): You’ll be scrambling on Halloween trying to come up with a costume, but even inspiration from your favorite books won’t change the look of cheap polyester.

SCORPIO (October 22—November 21): You’re throwing a Halloween party so epic it may shut the city down…but I think the federal government may beat you to it.

SAGITTARIUS (November 22—December 21): You’ve got a couple of spooky name suggestions for the Metrobus, but too bad that it won’t make the bus go any faster.

CAPRICORN (December 22—January 21): Now that it’s cooled down, it’s a lovely time to bike around the city, especially since you may be able to save some money doing it. But the fall breeze won’t protect you from some skinned knees.

AQUARIUS (January 22—February 21): The fall festivals are on their way. Whether you’re catching All Things Go or LoveLoud, you’re hyped to get overpriced merch from your favorite acts — and the venues are hyped for their cut, too.

PISCES (February 22—March 21): Your all-Pisces pickleball team was doing amazing in a tournament at the Lincoln Memorial, that is until your doubles partner caught a cramp.

ARIES (March 22—April 21): What’s scarier than a haunted house? Paying more than half your income to live in one. Yikes!

TAURUS (April 22—May 21): Fall is back, along with football, and you’re hoping the new Commanders owners will bring in some wins for your fantasy football team — but that Buffalo loss really hurt your bets.

GEMINI (May 22—June 21): It’s Halloween, so you’ve got to turn up with some shots — the COVID and flu variety, that is.

CANCER (June 22—July 21): You and your friends decided to dress as the Smithsonian National Zoo’s baby pandas this year, but couldn’t help but spend the night crying over the fact they’re leaving in December.

LEO (July 22—August 21): You’re excited to finally have some composting options in this city, and a way to get rid of that excess candy from trick or treating. Just remember, candy doesn’t cover up the smell!

VIRGO (August 22—September 21): If your Virgo’s groove got cut short in the rain this summer, maybe a future new stadium in D.C. will make the concert experience better — but it may take a while.