Your horoscopes are here because *cue Justin Timberlake* it’s gonna be May! Read on for your fates.

Spring is almost here, and Pisces better buckle up, cause just like the weather your fate’s going to be a rollercoaster.

Winter’s in full swing, and Aquarius season is here. See what chilly fate D.C. has in store for you.

Jingle bells, yes you smell, your horoscope’s here today. Oh what fun it is to read what DCist has to say.

There’s no luck coming through this holiday season, so buckle up in that Thanksgiving traffic and keep the gift receipts on those Black Friday buys. Your December fortunes are here.

In true Halloween fashion, we’ve resurrected not a zombie or a mummy, but your terrible outlook for the next month.

If March dragged on for approximately seven decades, then April came and went faster than the life cycle of a house fly. And now here we are, already in Taurus season.

One of the main reasons I started this horoscope column was to exact astrological revenge upon those who have wronged me—a surprising number of whom happen to be Pisces. So, you know, welcome to Pisces season.

Aquarius season means it’s time to chill out, so please don’t get mad at me when I don’t respond to emails.

Ready your bullet journals, Capricorns: It’s a new year, with the same disappointing outlook.