Hello, dear reader. As you’re getting cold and cozy, settling into the holiday season, unfortunately, there’s no time to relax! There are fortunes to predict. Whether it’s the stress of mediating political debates at the Thanksgiving table, your mom asking you if you kept the gift receipt of that new iPhone you bought on Black Friday you swore she would love, or navigating the hellscape of cuffing season, no one’s getting off easy, even the Sagittarians. Your favorite agent of chaos is here to give you all the bad news.

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SAGITTARIUS (November 22—December 21): After a disastrous attempt at cooking a turkey for Thanksgiving (It is NOT pre-cooked. And yes, you have to remove the bag INSIDE the turkey), you may need to rely on takeout to get you through the holiday.

CAPRICORN (December 22—January 21): So your Swiftie dreams are dashed. The Ticketmaster debacle aside, Miss Swift is making no D.C.-area stops. At least Something In The Water will be back in D.C., right? Right?! (Don’t get your hopes up.)

AQUARIUS (January 22—February 21): So that one friend spoiled Wakanda Forever. Well, spoiler alert: You can live your Black Panther fantasies at the Smithsonian next spring to make up for it.

PISCES (February 22—March 21): You’ve made the wise decision to take advantage of the new Silver Line extension to avoid holiday traffic … too bad you can’t also avoid the awkward pre-dinner small talk.

ARIES (March 22—April 21): It’s cuffing season, and unfortunately you’ll have to dodge lovebirds going on first dates all across D.C. (But the eavesdropping opportunities? Talk about dinner and a show.)

TAURUS (April 22—May 21): Okay, so your mom found your *ahem* stash in your overnight bag while you’re home for Thanksgiving. Just remind her it’ll be legal in Maryland in….July 2023?! Oh yeah, you’re not going to hear the end of that one.

GEMINI (May 22—June 21): You may be feeling more open to good energy and new opportunities, but your blessings are getting blocked this month.

CANCER (June 22—July 21): The Commanders may have a shot at the playoffs this year (lol), and you’re ready to risk it all with sports betting coming to Maryland. Just don’t come crying to me when you lose all your money.

LEO (July 22—August 21): The holidays will be full of drama for you. Good luck trying to watch Thanksgiving Day football and not having a debate with your dad about THAT case.

VIRGO (August 22—September 21): Everything’s more fun after 5 p.m., you’re hoping to bring some Night Mayor energy to your Friendsgiving celebration. But y’all are definitely clocking out with a food coma (that mac and cheese did its job).

LIBRA (September 22—October 21): Political debates will be unavoidable at dinner this Thanksgiving. Maybe if you keep stuffing your face with rolls and turkey, you won’t have to debate about teaching race in schools. Although that sixth glass of spiked apple cider might make you real bold.

SCORPIO (October 22—November 21): You will be stuck in Thanksgiving traffic.

Read past shitty horoscopes here.