Martin Austermuhle
Nationals Mascot Announced: In a surprising move, the Washington Nationals presented the team’s new mascot to reporters this morning. The choice? A giant walking bow tie. Meant to memorialize the efforts of D.C. Mayor Anthony Williams in bringing baseball back to the District after a three-decade absence, the “Nat Cravate,” as the mascot is to be known, will spin every time a National hits a home run and will loosen slightly during the seventh-inning stretch.
In related mayoral news, Councilmembers Carol Schwartz and Marion Barry have thrown their hats into the ring. They’re running for mayor!
DCist Keg Close to Being Found: Acting on anonymous tips, baseball-bat wielding bloggers bearing large DCist tattoos on their arms and chests fanned out across Columbia Heights late last night in search of the thief/thieves thought to have stolen a keg of beer from them. But the search went across the river to Virginia and amongst the list of suspected thieves was well-known blogger and celebrity lush Ana Marie Cox, aka Wonkette, who was said to have been seen stumbling out of the Clarendon Cheesecake Factory with infamous Senate aide Jessica Cutler and first daughter Barbara Bush.
MS-13s to Make Musical: Members of the violent Mara Salvatrucha gang, known as MS-13, are slated to perform a musical at the Rorschach Theater this fall. Various members were reported to have ordered copies of “West Side Story” from Amazon.com, and unnamed sources claim that the grand finale of the piece will be a rousing number titled “The Chopping Block” and involve an all a capella machete juggling super-show.
Briefly Noted: D.C. officials discover that young men in loosely-knit violent groups are responsible for city violence, not children, the elderly, or Unitarian Universalists as once thought … New metrorail cars to feature 21-inch titanium rims, subwoofer-powered public announcement systems, and hydraulic suspension so as to further procrastinate lesser improvements needed in infrastructure and equipment … Affluent N Street undergrads mourn Georgetown retail complex fire. … And if you haven’t figured out yet, it is April Fools Day and we’ve taken certain liberties to celebrate.
